Tuesday, January 12, 2010


Before I moved to Manhattan I had dated.

In college, I was a regular co-ed, majoring in architecture, and hanging out with my friends. I had a desi (Indian) boyfriend, who I thought was "THE ONE". We met on a blind date and went to a college sponsored party, where he dedicated the song, “Baby Got Back” to me. Was that sign number one? Or was rap music just that popular in the 1990s? I thought he was nice, but didn’t feel that za za zoom. But when he invited me to brunch the next day (to the college cafeteria where we could use our meal plan, was that sign number two?), I thought I should give him another chance. Which eventually became study dates, dinners and like that he was my boyfriend.

We had been dating for a couple of months when the Ex’s twin brother began to pressure the Ex to break up with me. Their parents were very conservative, even for Indians. They didn’t want their sons dating, only studying diligently to become doctors. It didn’t long for the Ex and me to melt down into a hot mess of an Ike and Tina Turner relationship where we verbally and emotionally abused each other in gigantic screaming fights because I didn’t want to eat dinner, study, attend the Depeche Mode concert, go to the mall or hang out with the Brother, EVER. Caught outside hell’s door, stuck between love and loyalty, the Ex would make plans with me and then cancel because the Brother guilted him. Or threatened to tell their parents about me, again. In the Brother’s defense, he was looking out for his twin. But when I was 21, I didn’t see it that way. I just thought the brother was heartless.

As if this was not enough for our train wreck of a relationship to withstand, the Brother had an AWFUL, stinky and gigantically FAT friend. Yes, I really mean he smelled. His sweat and body oil got stuck in the folds of his fat and clothes. As a result no woman wanted to date Fatty and he retaliated by hating women, including me. I think Fatty was like most powerless people. He felt backed into a corner and tried to inflict pain on others, to redirect his inadequacies elsewhere. Fatty happened to be Pakistani and was also very conservative and would encourage the Brother that our dating was wrong, went against the wishes of elders and had to end. You’d think this was 1450, not 1995, but unfortunately, the Brother tended to agree.

This drove me to fight harder. I’m not proud of it, but there were many occasions where I engaged in controlling behaviors, threatened to break up with the Ex, or flat out ignored the Ex. The Ex ended up retreating within himself when the push-pull between the Brother and I became overwhelming. Obviously, this was a very unhealthy relationship and a well paved road to anxiety for all involved parties.

Are you wondering why I would love someone like this? Because when it was just the Ex and me, in the dark and quiet when we shared our demons, he let his guard down and revealed his insecure arrogance. We allowed one another safety, a place to be blurry, raw, and splintered around the edges. It was strange, despite inflicting pain on each other; we really cultivated the good things in another. In hindsight, I think we should have broken up rather than clung to a dysfunctional relationship like a tattered blanket. Most days we couldn’t cover ourselves with it, but there was security in knowing where the holes and loose threads were.

After graduation I moved back to Minnesota and he still had senior year to finish. We agreed to write and try and see each other 4 times a year, since we were still dating behind his parents’ back. Ironically enough the Brother now had a little blonde girlfriend so he was off out case and like an idiot I savored that moment of calm.

Then learned in a rather obtuse way (from a friend’s, boyfriend’s, roommate’s, friend) that the Ex cheated on me. At first I couldn’t believe it. There was no way he would do something like that. Sure we had problems but he would never do something that would crush me. It took a few days to track the Ex down and even as I asked about the other woman I still believed it was a misunderstanding. When he told me it was true, on a hot July day, I went cold on the inside. Every feeling I had for him poured out of me and died on the floor.

Speechless, I listened to him tell he’d leave her, that he wanted to make this work, she was just filler, he was lonely and that we were supposed to grow old together. Maybe. But a long time ago we had evolved into ugliness and that only did unkind and dirty things to one another. He swore he would win me back, that he would do anything. So very calmly I asked the impossible of him, I set him up to fail and asked, “Do you want to know to get me back?” "Yes, yes, yes,” he pleaded; I could hear him clinging to the torn blanket. I paused, and without any class I said, “You can unfuck her you little piece of dirt.”

He tried to win me back. He would call and send notes. For years I couldn’t get him to communicate and now he was stalking me! It took my threatening to change my phone number for him to finally let me go.

Ten years later I still carry what the Ex did to me, but I forgive him honestly and completely. Maybe it is the power of a first love that made my heart shatter so hard. There is a little piece of me that is missing and I still carry the memory of loving him, I always will.


Samosas for One said...

What is the impact (if any) of Bollywood movies on South Asian adolescents concept and practice in romantic relationships? Someone should research this and look at perceptions. I think first love and first betrayals always stay with a person. It is what you choose to do with those and how much you allow them to affect the course you're on that matters now.

101 Bad Desi Dates said...

Dear Samosas for One .... OMG! I think about this ALL the time. I am an AVID lover of General Hospital and the songs in Bollywood movies, so I sometimes think I have a warped idea of romance. Plus, my first love cheated on me and it took a long time to learn to trust again and sometimes I wonder if I am truly over that too. This is an excellent idea for a project!!! The scenes in Bollywood are SOOO steamy but the culutre is so conservative, those kids must go nuts!

Samosas for One said...

You love GH too?! Ok seriously enough...we must meet and become friends. Sonny, Jason, Jax, Patrick. Enough said.

I think the India our parents left decades ago is no longer as conservative as how they remember it (at least not in the big cities). My friends that have moved to live there say that we desis here are more conservative than the Indians they have befriended in India.

101 Bad Desi Dates said...

I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE GH!!!!!! I love their new intro and all the references they make to NYC! I LOVE LOVE LOVE Jason, he is SO hot and so sensual! Sonny tho is over acting, tho I guess I would too, if Kristina was my daughter. I am waiting for today's episode to start now! I have a great GH story for you ... so yes, we must meet and become friends!

Agreed to desi parents!

Samosas for One said...

I have to admit I stopped watching it recently after the whole Sonny shoots Dante thing. Some of the storylines are getting foolish. I love Carly with Jax so now I want them to either put Sonny with Olivia or bring Brenda back. I used to love Elizabeth, but now she is just messed up. Will any of her children ever be fathered by Lucky? Plus how can anyone turn their back on Jason Morgan? HOT! Yum. Let me think about that for a minute.

(Eye candy break ensues)

Ok I'm back. So what was your favorite storyline? To this day I still love the Robin and Stone love story and Anna and Robert. Finola Hughes is beautiful.

Email me your GH story! samosasforone@gmail.com

101 Bad Desi Dates said...

Dear Samosas for One ... yes, I was not amused when Sonny shot Dante. I was like "I dont beleive you can just love Dante upon learning he is your son." I dont know about Olivia and Sonny, 'cause I do like me some Johnny ... yummers.

Kate and Coleman need to stop already. They are so mismatched it is almost martian how wrong they are.

Liz is nuts, tho her cute brother is nice! Jason, Jason, Jason ... and oh this baby is Lucky's! Only Helena has doctored the results so everyone thinks it is Nikolas' (also a parody due to his 2 years of Emily pining). Helena needs an heir and a spare, but I dont understand how she is okay with the baby not being Cassadine. Then again Helena is WACKED out too.

My fave story line ... man ... let me think about that and get back to you. I really did like Claudia she was deranged and sensitive all at once.

Anna ... she is stunning.

Yes will email you at gmail soon!

Samosas for One said...

Oh yea you are right. Johnny and Olivia are good together. I think now that the Sonny Kate storyline is over this show has no clue what to do with Kate. They need to bring in a new man for her to fall in love with. And what happened to this GREAT LOVE she had with Sonny? That sure dropped off fast. I find the grown up Michael annoying. Oh and how can you not love Spinelli?

101 Bad Desi Dates said...

Dear Samosas for One ... well she did have that one night stand with Jax ... and Spinelli is adorable and I do love him with Maxi, even tho, she's a little out of control. I like her and Lulu, you asked before what relationship I like, and I like theirs tho it is not romantic. Just like I agree, Carly and Jason are GREAT! Grown up Michael is nuts, tho he was shot in the head ... I find Morgan and Molly SOOOO cute!

Samosas for One said...

Yea and that one-night stand with Jax went nowhere. Her and Coleman are weird together. Do you remember the Karen-Jagger love story they took all this time to build and then they got married and then years later returned with some stupid reason their marriage ended? Antonio Sabato Jr. as Jagger was HOT!

101 Bad Desi Dates said...

Dear Samosas for One ... which one was Karen? Jagger was not, tho no Jason ... but hot .... hhhmm ... and I do like Tracy she always is spot on and true to her character.

Samosas for One said...

Remember Karen was Scott's daughter? She was a nurse I think at GH? No, I don't remember. I just remember they had this sappy wedding. Jagger was Stone's brother, remember? I thought I heard a rumor a few months ago before I stopped watching that Genie Francis was returning again. That is another storyline that is like come on already...make something happen...this is dumb. Plus I never understood the entire Robert and Anna can't get back together and now did he die of cancer on the show or he just went away? Plus Robin and Patrick FINALLY get married and then they can't let them be happy for 10 mins. Postpartum, and now his ex-girlfriend has arrived...hmm. I still love the show despite some of the ridiculousness and my complaining. :)

101 Bad Desi Dates said...

Dear Samosas for One ... I barely remember Karen, ugh, Scotty I dont like him. Genie Francis was on about a year ago, around the same time Lulu shot and killed (ironically) Scotty's son Logan and Johnny and Maxi helped Lulu hide out in Manhattan. That was before Johnny started Olivia the cougar!

And no Robert had not died of cancer yet, he's still in Europe getting a hopeful treatment. He and Anna were both on the show for a week when Emma was born, but then Robert and Anna both went away. Before that, Anna was "dating" Patrick's father, Dr. Noah Drake who was pretending to be the rock star Eli Love ...

I think one of my fave couples was Felicia and Frisco ... and Jack Wagner he was another HOT HOT HOTTIE!

Samosas for One said...

Yes I watched when all these things happened. That's another person! Felicia! She was such a lovable character and now Maxie and Mac are all messed up because of what Felicia did. And how could they kill Georgie?

101 Bad Desi Dates said...

Dear Samosas for One ... girl how do you respond so fast? LOVE IT!

Yes, Felicia TOTALLY meesed up Mac and Maxi, and Georgie was SO adorable, I dont know how they killed her off. I guess her story was never going to advance and how she loved Spinelli ... Felicia was SOOO spunky in the beginning and Frisco never had a chance he was SOOOO smitten .... SWOON he was HOT.

How do you feel? any better?

Samosas for One said...

I was just in the middle of writing you an email. I think I'm being too hard on the show. What keeps me coming back are the depth of characters. Sonny, Robin, Jason...every character has more than one storyline that showcases each character's many dimensions. Even crazy Carly.

101 Bad Desi Dates said...

Dear Samosas for One ... you are hardly being hard. Every few months I am like "did I really sit here on a Sunday and watch this whole week of bad episodes" ... being a fan means you can be critical. I've been watching all my life. I took long breaks in the 1990s and 2000s, but now that I have cable I all the Law and Order and GH a woman can need! WOOHHO!

ps I emailed at gmail.

101 Bad Desi Dates said...

p.s. I LOVE Carly!

Samosas for One said...


Ok name either one other television show or movie that is your guilty pleasure. When it is on you have to watch or you DVR it but rarely if ever admit this to anyone.

101 Bad Desi Dates said...

Dear Samosas for One ... TV: Castle on ABC 10 pm, Monday nights, I build my night around it.

Movies: anytime Die Hard, Legally Blonde or Star Wars IV, V, or VI come on I stop doing what I am doing.

p.s. I liked the movie Naseeb, too, adn 3KG is for sure one of my fave Bollywood flciks, I do love Singh is Kingh :)

Samosas for One said...

I just watched Castle for the first time the other night....is that woman really dead?!

I cannot admit any of my guilty pleasures in this public forum. :)

101 Bad Desi Dates said...

Dear Samosas for One ... well I dont know if she is dead, I dont think so bc the show is 1/2 her and 1/2 him ... I will know more tomorrow! :)

Okay admit to me later in person or via email!