Monday, February 22, 2010

42. DESI DATING MACHINE

I decided to follow my cousin’s advice and go out with multiple men at the same time. I have accepted communications, chatted on the phone and scheduled dates with three desi men. Luckily they are different enough that I won’t need flashcards.

Meet me at Macy’s: from his snap he’s a standard desi dude of Punjabi descent. He is 5’-6” which makes me nervous. What if he has that Napoleon Little Man Syndrome? In my heels we’re going to be the same height. I am actually 5’-2 ¾” and used to round up, until a 5’-3” woman went ape shit on me in a Minneapolis bar and REPRIMANDED for giving false height. Yikes, we’re both short. Just in case she was certifiable I stepped away before she poked my eyes out. I’m actually thankful for whatever height I got! My father is in denial and insists my mother is 5’-0”. This prompted me to measure her. She topped out at 4’-9”. (Sidebar: I added high heels to meat and alcohol as things I am not giving up for the sake of getting married).

Stutter Much: a fellow ABCD, lives in Connecticut, and works in finance for a cosmetics company. In his profile he states he’s a die-hard Knicks fan. I am sure this is so we ladies don’t doubt his heterosexuality. Which I appreciate. “They” say 10% of the world’s population is homosexual, which means there are 100,000 gay Indians or roughly 1/3 of the American population. I have overheard the aunties insist there are no “gay-shay” Indians, that we don’t come “in that kind”. Since Indians are uptight prudes who don’t discuss straight sexuality (despite being 1 billion strong) why would “underground” Bombay (Mumbai) discotheques ever register in the transoms of their deep-frying, temple-going, chai-drinking auntie minds?

Vicky: is a traveling consultant who told me wanted to meet a woman who spoke fluent Hindi, and how was mine? I said conversational at best. Now that I think about it, when I don’t know the Hindi word (which is often) I insert in the English one. So it is more hunt and peck Hindi…I should get me some Rosetta Stone. In any event Vicky has agreed to meet me when he comes back from Philly on Thursday. He has no photo, but he has a sleek and sexy voice, just a little touch of American mixed mostly with an Indian educated British accent. I cannot resist a well-suited, smartly scented man with a smooth American-Indo-British accent. Tom Ford has a cologne that is to die for! I am going to douse my man in it, once I find him that is!

Speaking of which, I should have some mantras chanted to enhance the timely resolution of my marriage.

Tom Ford Cologne

6 comments:

Peg said...

OK, my comment is totally lame, but not entirely off-subject. I cooked my first Indian dish Sat. night Yes, it is true. Trader Joe's Punjab Spinach Sauce & chicken over rice. I bought the sauce on impulse, recognizing "Punjab". I already cook chicken quite a bit and use the rice cooker often. I'm not sure how authentic it was, but I thought it was really good. Gotta start somewhere :)

101 Bad Desi Dates said...

Dear Peg ... no comment is lame! I love you that you recognized Punjab! Though I mock all things Punjabi, I do love being one. In my free time (tee hee hee) I will pull together some of my mother's recipes, for that more authentic quality that you might enjoy. My mother, like most Indian woman does not believe in measuring, which I will write about next week. But let me put some pen to paper and post recipes too!

sister-in-law said...

I have managed to get all your mom's recipe and started making them. I insisted to be with her when she is cooking those stuff, which she doesnot measure and wrote down carefully. I even have a folder in my computer with MIL recipes......the secret of her great cooking is paprika and her home made garam masala.

101 Bad Desi Dates said...

Dear Sister-in-Law ... I did the same thing! Except I stood there and scooped things back and forth into measuring cups and spoons. :) Yes, her garam masala is the BEST and I not biased, know what else? Her chai masala ... hai bhagvan! So DE-LISH! I have it my fridge and I don't make if for anyone other than me! :)

Peg said...

That would be so fun to try a "real" recipe! Also, I love rice, so if it includes rice I would be very happy (the plain-ish kind of rice is preferred so the kids will eat it too). Love spicy anything, but NO lamb. Start me out easy...

101 Bad Desi Dates said...

Dear Peg ... I have an AWESOME and easy rice dish can be spiced to taste. My mother made some for Ann and it was so hot she was going to set that poor girl on fire! And I have an easy and yummy chicken dish. Let me pull some recipes together this weekend and post them on the blog. A lot of Indian cooking comes down to spices. More soon!