53. I THINK YOU SHOULD KISS THE BOUNCER

Meera calls Tuesday afternoon hoping I am free that night. Who exactly does she think I have plans with? Recap: four local friends and a barely breathing love life. “Oh and bring the book ‘How to Make Anyone Fall in Love with You’. We’re practicing dating techniques,” Meera instructs.

We meet at an Americana restaurant and order a bottle of wine. Meera directs me to gaze at her and then advises on body language adjustments. Other than our 26-year old waiter (we asked his age) who opens a second bottle of wine, no one finds our behavior odd.

“What do you do when you’re nervous?” Meera asks. I reply, “I fill the dead air with chatter, hoping a witty comment will spark his interest.” Meera shakes her head at me, “Or kill it.”

After dinner, Meera decides the night is still drunk, wait, she means young, and we duck into a bar. I think another round sounds like a good idea and order. Meera swivels around on the barstool. “There are Indian guys over there. You should talk to them,” Meera says, pointing across the bar. I glance over. When she said guys, what she really meant was boys. Their average age cannot be much more than 24 and they’re playing checkers (this bar is known for board games). “Absolutely not,” I say. “I’m too drunk to change their Pampers and find pacifiers.” “No, no! You’re going to talk to them and employ all the tactics of the book,” Meera slurs and drags us over to their table. She introduces us and their names instantly blur together --- Roop-Jesh-Veer. How is Meera formulating sentences? She has no body fat and her blood alcohol ratio has to be lethal.

One of the guys inquires about Meera’s vocation. “I come from money, so I don’t work,” she says. “I attend events and do philanthropy work while my husband travels. We’re buying an apartment Uptown. Daddy is teaching me about tough love so he won’t just get us a place on Park Avenue…” OMG, evidently Meera’s alternate persona is the desi Paris Hilton. The guys are salivating, begging Meera for more details. Little do they know she is an earthy, vegetarian who teaches yoga and lives a holistic life. After they finish drooling over Meera, they talk to me. “I’m in marketing,” I reply, crushing them with the truth. They return their squirrel like attention to Meera Warbucks, who glares at me. I TOLD her I didn’t want to talk to them; I doubt they know who WHAM! was!

My gaze settles on the well-built 6’-4”, beautiful bouncer. Meera leans over and says, “You should kiss the Bouncer.” Hhhmm, now this is the first thing Meera has said all night that genuinely interests me.

To be continued …