107. DESI GIRL AND DOUBT

Yes, oh yes, even positive, peppy like me have self-doubt. This is why I am wondering if I should stay in Manhattan. I mean, what if I run into Reindeer…on a date? I know the City is big, but I am not emotionally ready to see “her”, the new me, the replacement, ugh what if she is his “THE ONE”?

Then again, I cannot imagine moving back to Minnesota. Not that there is anything wrong with it. It’s just that I left for a reason. And I am not fickle or pathetic enough to abandon the beginnings of my Empire State of life because of one bad brown man.

With my one year Manhattan anniversary coming up, I think I’ve done okay. Outside of the collection of desi wing nuts I’ve dated, I renewed my apartment lease, mastered the City and met some new people through a volunteer organization.

For the most part my white hot hate moments for Manhattan are on the decline and generally my fault. Like the time aliens stole my senses and I went shopping at the Bronx Target on a Saturday right before they closed. Or when I boarded the D train NOT the A train after grocery shopping at Columbus Circle. Because both trains run along the same track for several miles, I didn’t realize my error until the conductor shut the subway doors and said, “Next stop, Yankee Stadium.” Talk about exercises in severe and psychological frustration!!! Aiy!

So I think what bothers me today is I don’t know WHY dumbo-head Reindeer and I broke up. (Obviously I have entered the “mature and refined” name-calling stage of relationship mourning). But I am consumed, wondering why he’d pass on a woman (me) who cooks, converses and doesn’t care that he golfs? On paper he said I was what he wanted. So what went wrong?

And honestly, I’m more mad at myself than anyone else. I started a war with my cousin over him. I built my schedule around him. I blew off friends to spend time with him. So I am ultimately responsible for how he treated the relationship, and subsequently me, like a Bed and Breakfast, checking in out and whenever he needed a date, shower or meal. Logically, intellectually, intuitively I know it’s better that he’s gone. Clearly, I wasn’t myself when I was with him because I wanted him to like me more than I wanted to be an equal.

So I must trust fate, God, and the universe for sending him away. I have to get okay that I don’t know why this happened. I have to accept that Reindeer was not THE ONE. I have to believe THE ONE is not only out there, but that he’s looking for me, like I’m looking for him. And when we find each other we’ll agree our love was worth the wait.

I have to hope and believe the best is yet to come. Otherwise, I won’t be able to face another day or desi date.