Sunday, August 1, 2010


A little after midnight I stuff the last piece of ski gear into my overnight bag. While I didn’t ski in Minnesota, I had, over time bought waterpoof snow pants, down jackets, gloves and hats. I set my luggage on the floor and wonder if Town and Country really had friends in from out of town. Gross. Why do I even care?

In many ways I am relieved to go on a ski trip despite lacking hand-eye-on-a-slippery-mountain-coordination. Life is interesting that way. My faith is so challenged right now and luckily God (under Durga’s influence no doubt) had a plan in place to ensure I wouldn't be alone, riding out this emotional low. Which is very good, because I have found Manhattan unforgiving when I am sad, lonely or depressed.

I really should crawl into bed, but I am so tired I worry sleep won’t find me. And it may be worse if it does find me. When I get this unsettled with everything, everything, everything bouncing around in my head --- work, Town and Country, my family, the hope that I don’t break my neck in Killington --- my subconscious manifests in dark, heavy dreams that leave me fearing my own thoughts.

To pass the time I make tea and rattle around my apartment. I stop to gaze at my baby photo framed in an oversized contemporary stainless steel frame hanging in my living room. She had black hair blanketing her head, bright eyes, chubby cheeks, smooth perfect skin and looked a life time of possibilities square in the eye.

Was her destiny to be more than this? Did I misstep and thwart her life as a surgeon? Did Mr. Right or Mr. Right Enough come along and I denied her a life as married with two kids, living in Rye, driving a Volvo, walking a dog she barely likes, and serving rotis to a balding, paunchy man? Would she be proud of how she turned out? Am I? Or did I miss chance, and let that little baby down?


Anonymous said...

There is no just one chance girl. We are all lucky to have many chances from which we can learn and have fun. That's yet another sentiment of Hindus that some of us had to overcome.... that we are given a pre-destined life and sometimes if we make the wrong choice, we might not live that pre-destined life, whatever it may be. It just creates a generation of Indian-Americans with too much of a conscience, trying to guess what the right decision may be at every juncture of life... rather than just LIVING life. How true that rings with me as well. Short, sweet, but definitely a very heavy and loaded blog. Good read!

101 Bad Desi Dates said...

Dear Anonymous ... yes, oh yes, thank God there is more than one chance. It sometimes feels like a burden. And agreed sometimes Hinduism can feed the soul (as religion can do) and then starve it at the same time (by setting expectations high). I'll get there when I get there! xo, Desi Girl