162. ANGER, REGRET AND SELF-DOUBT

While I survive the mountain, I don't stop thinking about Town and Country or my job. Anger, regret and self-doubt take turns beating me up. I am angry that Town and Country fills my thoughts. Why am I weak? I regret moving back to Minnesota at 21 rather than Manhattan. Why am I obedient? I doubt my abilities, what if I amount to nothing more than an unemployed spinster. Ugh! How did this happen to me?

We return the car and I traverse the island and board an Uptown A train. I order cheap Chinese for dinner and unpack. When I cannot take it anymore, clearly I am a glutton for punishment, I get on the computer and send Town and Country an email alerting him to my return to Manhattan. (Meera is going to kill me when I tell her I did this).

Deep inside I KNOW he’s not into me. He has had a million chances to contact me. For the love of God and his cousin Henry, I’ve been gone for four days! In which time I have made a million excuses for him. He has clients that need him. His friends are still here. He is sick. He is well. He is dating his ex again. He is visiting his parents. He got hit by a bus.

In addition to some mild heartache, I’m in physical pain, too, from “skiing” (read: falling down A LOT and often) and wonder how I ended up liking someone I never intended to like. And God, why? Why did you make men like this? Why can’t they just say, “I don’t want to date you, good-bye.” Or, “my mother will never like you." Or, “you are too fat, dumb, ugly, bad in bed, etc.”

Sure, it hurts, the truth usually does. But ignoring me, hurts more.