Tuesday, August 31, 2010

179. TEETOTALERS, VEGETARIANS AND HUSBAND? OH MY! – Part Two

The waitress arrives with a pot of jasmine tea. She fills stoneware cups and pulls out a pen and pad to jot down our order. “Anything else to drink?” she asks. “Is the tea free?” Virat asks. Stunned, I look up from the menu. Who asks such a question? Is he cheap? How much can tea possibly cost? Visibly irritated, the waitress nods. “Then I’ll also have a pineapple juice,” Virat announces like he’s the first person to order a fruit drink.

Hhhmm, he seems a little wacky, which was not evident from his profile. I am debating if I should order an adult beverage (read: something consisting mostly of vodka) or a diet soda. I am beginning to fear that this will be a long and grueling night. Then again, what if he is simply nervous and will eventually chill the fuck out. So I give him a second chance.

I also decide to be “good” and order a Diet Coke with lime and return to reviewing the menu. Pad Thai, Pad See Ew, green curry, red curry, coconut curry. After Punjabi, Thai, along with Mexican, are my favorite cuisines. I grew up eating food spiced with coriander, chilies, cumin, turmeric, and paprika. My food doesn’t have to be five-alarm fire hot, but it must be a party for my taste buds. “I’m glad you don’t drink like all these Indian girls in America.” Ooo, so he did NOT ready my profile.

“The devout refrain from meat and alcohol. You should stay away from spices, too. The heat affects some people negatively,” Virat lectures as if he, the Indian, is an expert on American desi girls. “You don’t eat meat?” I ask. “No. Didn’t you read my profile?” Virat’s words are prickly. I don’t remember his profile saying he was Brahmin, which is why I then ask, “I thought only Brahmins refrained from meat and alcohol. Are you Brahmin?”



A storm flashes through his brown eyes. “I’ll have you know I’m quite pure in my habits. I don’t exercise because I eat well. I don’t waste money and time at the bars. Sodas, too, you do know Diet Cokes are unhealthy?” Yeah well Diet Coke, affectionately termed “Diva Cola”, is one of the reasons I get out of bed every morning, so he can bite me. To demonstrate my affinity for brown bubbles, I take giant gulps of soda and sublimate my rage towards him.

I cannot stand Indian immigrants who move to the US and think they are better than those of us who were born here. I realize Indian desis think American desis are snots, but I double-dog dare them to spend and survive the 1980s in places like Des Moines, Fargo, Minneapolis, or Pittsburgh. Our charmed lives were not lived without challenges (including but not limited to: growing up with hairy monkey arms, caterpillar moustaches, unibrows, sideburns that rival Captain Kangaroo, wearing home-made clothes, and having sketchy athletic ability). And if these cantankerous over-stuffed, over-educated Indian desis despise us and everything American, they can go back to where they came from. Silently I will the waitress to return and take our orders so I can get the hell out here. 



To be cont.

12 comments:

Anonymous said...

Yaaay Pittsburgh! REALLY don't know how you complete these dates. I think I would have just said, "Nice to meet you, I have to meet a friend in 10 minutes. So, I should get out of here. Enjoy your juice!"

101 Bad Desi Dates said...

Dear Anonymous ... YES! to PittPa, the Minne-Apple and every other town we alls grew up in! and you know how this dates ends ... but you pose an excellent question ... why don't I walk away? Or fake a stomach bug, I am too nice or something!

- said...

Ok even tho am bit miffed with the delhi slandering (im orig from Delhi) n accent slaughtering (dunno, that accent maybe weird, but fobby accent's always subjective), I would hv bolted the door when i heard those words “The devout refrain from meat and alcohol. You should stay away from spices, too. The heat affects some people negatively,”

What on earth! U dont own any1 to dictate stuff!!!!!

NS said...

and free Tea!! Some cheapness!! uggh! I dunno how u managed to stay so long!!!

and oh I think i can totally hv a 3 hr debate with American born desis on how u guys managed to survive when desis werent looked in the best lights in those times! I cant imagine my life without the now ubiquitous Patel Bros., Youtube, Vonage etc

101 Bad Desi Dates said...

Dear -,

Please don't be miffed. Under no circumstance do I dislike Delhi or the accent, I actually find it soothing. My parents speak with an accent. From all the years I "summered" in Delhi I hold it with fondness.

I still love Chandi Chowk and Haldirams and eating at dhabas. I love the chaos of the city and when I was old enough to understand real povery, I am completely thankful for my parents for slogging.

With that I am human and have taken hits in life from Americans, desis and everyone in between! If I insulted it was not my intent. I speak English with a Minnesota acecnt and my Hindi accent is so BAD that I am used as entertainment by my rellies in Delhi!

xo,
Desi Girl

101 Bad Desi Dates said...

Der NS ...

It was tough to be brown in the Midwest for sure. But I am strong for it.

I just desis were the way we were! I wish we were all concerned about our fellow desi and a more solid rather than competive community. The Patels bought a house, let's by two! mentality makes me sad .... :(

xo
Desi Girl

NS said...

Hey DG!
am not all offended, u are too nice to be offensive. It was more like "huh? What? Oh Really? Hmmmmm" and I agree with your outlook on desis, I seldom have a good experience with other desis so in fact I try to avoid them not because am ashamed or anything but I know I might not get the best experience 90% of the times!

101 Bad Desi Dates said...

Dear NS!!

Sorry for the delay and so glad I did not insult or offend. I am with you abt desis too! Meera and I were JUST talking about this last week and why are desis like this? Even Desi Dad said, with the talent and resources the desis have in MSP it is shame that we prefer to drown one another in the Ganges!

Have a good night!

xo
Desi Girl

NS said...

Hey DG! No problems, I strictly believe in following IST, reflection of which is the delay in my reply. U cant blame me, I was actually enjoying ur city over Turkey day :) Everytime I come here my belief is reinforced, no place like new york!

101 Bad Desi Dates said...

Dear NS ...

LOL ... IST ... I dont know how I am desi and not able to do IST. My time telling must be super American :)

Really you were in NYC over the gobble gobble weekend? I was in Minneapolis with the Desi Family! I have to say as the plane descended and I saw Lady Liberty out the window, I felt that feeling of "I am home".

I have found that I need to leave the City for a 4-5 days every 4-5 months. It makes me love the City again on my return. Bc after a while livng in the City feels a little comabtive and abusive that you need to get away. Or at least I do!

xo
Desi Girl

NS said...

haha i kinda like the combativeness, coming from New Delhi, coming to NYC always helps me keep in touch with those skills, even on the streets!

101 Bad Desi Dates said...

Dear NS -

I am DEF lean on the street smarts, I have gotten better in NYC but I had no need for them in MInnesota. Such is life when you grow up in a pristine place!

When I go to Delhi my Massi and cousin have to do my bartering so I get the best deal, esp when I speak the shop keepers are like "American, money, money!" :)

xo
Desi Girl