209. SUPERMAN SEEKS WONDER WOMAN – DESI STYLE

I am definitely persistent. Or insane. Einstein did after all say the definition of insanity was to do the same thing over and over again, yet expect a different result. But I’m feeling invincible and allow my industrious little Indian self to engage in another desi groom-hunt.

Today’s findings are Distracting, Appalling and Clueless. Here is what they write, and why I again believe I could develop a very profitable business helping desi dudes and their parents write profiles that would attract women.

Distracting writes, actually Distracting’s sibling writes: I am NOT a stereotypical Indian man... Which is great … and I would continue reading if his photos weren’t so abysmal. One is his passport photo, to which I must simply ask, why would anyone post that? My driver’s license photo is pretty damn good, but I am not photoshopping and uploading that to the matrimonial site. Sadly his passport photo is better than the other one, which is CLEARLY a self-portrait of him looking in the mirror --- I can see the camera flash reflecting to the right.

Appalling writes (sidebar: there are many men on this site who are in the same fraternity as Appalling and they are all searching for this one woman): I am looking for a slim, fair, tall, beautiful, professional woman who will respect my parents and raise a family. He leaves out the part where he expects said woman to cook super-yummy-food-like-mummy-makes and sex her man after clearing the dishes and putting the kids to bed. And good lord, is he all that and a bag a chips? If not, then the anti-Superman should not seek Wonder Woman.

Clueless’s parents have written his profile, the BOLD items are what they write, italics are my commentary: NAME: G***** P*** (yes they ACTUALLY write his real name, I would DIE if my parents did that --- of course that would mean Mom and Dad first have to get a computer and Internet access). Gotra (his caste). Does not wear spectacles. (This is evident from the photo and segues into something I run across from time to time. Some Indians are obsessed with eyesight and I don’t know why it is so “make-or-break” the matrimonial deal. But often non-spectacle wearing boys are arranged to perfect-sighted girls. Similarly some desis match boys who wear super thick nerd glasses to their female counterparts. I wear glasses, contacts more like, and when I'm in India I'm often asked, “what is your power?” Meaning eyesight strength. I cannot tell you how many times I want to reply with, “super sale shopper” or “can consume entire 13 ounce bag of Ruffles in 10 minutes.” But rather than shame my parents I respond with, “-2.25, in each eye” and receive appreciative nods, meaning even though my sight is imperfect, it won’t be held against me in the court of matrimony). Clueless’s parents continue and list his education: MBA from Semi-Decent School on the West Coast. M.S. in Engineering from a Decent School on the East Coast. A decent undergraduate program in India. And one of the BEST high schools in Delhi. That is it. No details about his interests or hobbies.

When I am not wondering how to turn this into a business, I am wondering, do I really want to marry one of these yahoos? I mean really, if this is ALL that is out there, and regularly I am reminded that I am not getting any younger, isn’t being single better than marriage to Distracting, Appalling or Clueless. And who exactly am I doing this for? It doesn’t really feel like I want this as much as my parents do. And while I would love to bring brown home to appease Mom and Dad, they aren’t the ones who will be stuck married to a desi wing nut and his parents. And based on the hellish marriage my cousin is enduring in Connecticut, I firmly feel that the rest of my life is WAAAAAY too long to be unhappy. Because desi marriage is like joining the Marines, you marry the clan, not just the man.