My computer refuses to open email and a word document at the same time, so my frustration has officially hit Mach 10. Now, I realize that Desi Girl is a little technologically challenged. I don’t have a Blackberry or IPhone because I don’t believe a mobile phone should do anything other than make and take calls (don’t worry I will change my position on this in the future and join everyone in the 21st Century). My DVD/VHS combo unit plays just fine so I see no need to throw it away simply because it's unhip and clunky. As much as I try to deny it, a few printers have died at my hands. One actually started smoking and I unplugged it before it caught on fire. So I'm not entirely sure if today's unsuccessful attempt to check email is my fault, but the days of DOS are behind me, and I know modern computers can run more than one program at a time.
Because my computer thinks four minutes is the appropriate amount of time needed to open a word document, I have time to think about last night’s conversation with Siobhan. I told her I really wanted to be married. To which she said, “I don’t know about that. I think, if you wanted to be married you wouldn’t be selecting men like Town and Country. Because this isn’t a man who wants to get married. To you or anyone else."
In the manner of Obi Wan instructing Luke Skywalker to search his feelings, I do the same and try to pull reason away from emotion, the heart from the head. Clearly there is a bold, invincible risk taker inside of me. She packed up and moved for “what if”. But then there is this woman who has become emotionally entangled in someone who checks in and out like she’s managing a bed and breakfast. And how do these two people co-exist inside of me? They must have met volunteering and like wine.
This now has me wondering if I'm the problem. What if the Risk Taker thinks she is confident and has self-worth and keeps pushing and seeking those bright desi stars. But the Bed and Breakfast Manager has become desperate, willing to latch onto any man with a sexy accent and lose herself in the lull of his vowels. And more importantly, HOW does Town and Country know when to reappear? It’s like he has Desi Girl-dar and KNOWS when I have moved on from him. Because it is at that EXACT moment he returns in a trail of texts that pack an unbelievable emotional punch.
And why don’t I tell him to jump into the Ganges? Is the B&B manager that broken that I am unable to resist him? Or maybe I am actually fixed, but under the influence of Town and Country, he breaks me. And I know the Risk Taker inside of me is potent, she gave up wine for 193 days and is mastering that dirty word “budget”. And clearly I know how to break up with people, I have ex-boyfriends. So what is the pull with Town and Country? He expresses mock interest, yet I am scared to cut him loose. Why am I putting up with this? Am I worried that he will be the last man to ever express interest in me? If so, don't I think I deserve more and better? Or is it possible that my desperation is hitting an all time low that I am lowering my standards just to bring brown home and appease the family? And let’s just temporarily ignore the fact that I’m not even sure I want to marry desi.
Unfortunately my self-mental exam is cut short when my computer does the unexpected. Instead of uploading the BBC homepage, it downloads the Thai language onto my yahoo toolbar. How odd. I can barely read Hindi, what I am going to do with Thai? I hit cancel, log out and force a blue screen shut down. It’s officially an awful day and I need a really strong mood stabilizer --- retail therapy.