Tuesday, January 25, 2011

284. NOT PERFECT, BUT PERFECT FOR ME


The next morning Dad and Younger Bhaiya excuse themselves from the breakfast table, leaving Younger Bhabhi, Sweet, Feisty and me in the dining room.  “What else will you eat for breakfast? An egg? Waffles? More toast?” Younger Bhabhi asks. I still have half a papaya and two slices of barely buttered toast sitting in my plate. I reach for my room temperature tea -- like Dad’s family I like my food so spicy hot that it sets my tummy on fire, unlike Dad’s family I don’t like tea that burns my tongue.
 
I pop a bite of fruit into my mouth and wonder how to explain to a slightly chubby woman that I am not living Laura Ingalls Wilder’s life on the farm, hoeing the fields, milking the cows and walking baskets of eggs to market. Mine is a bit more sedentary and requires about 1,500 calories daily. “Let me finish this and see if I’m still hungry,” I suggest, thinking this is the kindest way to say no. I raise my teacup to my lips and mid-sip, Younger Bhabhi asks, “So is it that you don’t want to get married?” Oh here it is payback.

I am sure Dad’s family thinks that Dad’s reputation is blemished from having an unmarried daughter in her late 30s. And while Indians are arranged marriage people, Dad’s family REALLY subscribes to that religion. Of course I don’t believe she asks because she cares about Dad, her only mission is to make me feel bad about my unmarried circumstance in life. However, I don’t think this is a fire Younger Bhabhi should ignite. Her elder daughter’s, Sweet, engagement broke off because the boy’s family was too drunk and too meat eating for our tastes. And that should tell you something if a Punjabi family would turn down another Punjabi family on the basis of booze and meat.

I let a few minutes pass during which time her daughters shoot glances at one another and shift in their chairs. Their mother’s conversation topic is causing them discomfort. This has me wanting to ask Younger Bhabhi if it is her preference to have teeth that have the look and texture of a corn cob after all the corn is gone. Between her rich father and well-to-do husband she could afford dental maintenance. Instead I ask, “I don’t know what you mean? It’s not up to me, it’s destiny,” I explain and shove toast into my mouth. Sweet and Feisty sigh loudly. Their reaction leads me to believe that talks of my marriage were banned from conversation. And only because Dad and Younger Bhaiya are out of earshot is she daring to ask.

Later I will learn Younger Bhabhi told Dad that she thinks it was a mistake to educate me. That there was no reason I should have a Masters degree, because no Indian man wants to marry someone who will talk back or be smarter than him. Another reason I am so thankful that Durga had my back and got Dad out of India and away from his idiot relatives. My American life may not be perfect, but it is perfect for me.

8 comments:

NS said...

because no Indian man wants to marry someone who will talk back or be smarter than him.

UTTER BULLSH*T!!!!!! Incredulous!

101 Bad Desi Dates said...

Dear NS -

Yes well, I am not one of these desis who thinks that belittling those who marry into the khandan shd be treated like an outsider.

So I would never make anyone feel bad like she tries to do. And I agree it is total bs but she dumped a dustbin filled with garbage on someone's head - so clearly she is not someone I would take stock tips or life's cues from.

It does strike me, every now and again - that maybe she resents me. She went from papa's house to pia's house, right? She has never lived out loud and on her own like I have.

I think that maybe she resents my education bc it allows me freedom and she repackages it as "now no desi man wants her" - which sometimes I wish my parents would say "who cares" or America is filled with nice American non-desi men.

Oh well you can only fight the system for so long, until you decide that maybe a better idea is to opt out of the system!

xo,
Desi Girl

101 Bad Desi Dates said...

Dear NS -


p.s. plus right - she waited to ask me when Dad and her hubby were away - she was purposely under-handed and spiteful, her query for her not for me.

Sunny said...

Ughhhh... this thing about over educating daughters..

My brother had a maid and she had one daughter, about 8 or 9. Smart little girl and I liked her a lot. Of course she wasn't going to school or anything.
I tried so hard to get her in school; I offered to pay for her school, books, extra money because they will not have access to her labor, bonus for passing each class, new saree for mom... NOTHING WORKED. Because her mom said that if she gets educated, they will not be able to find a husband for her...

This really really hurts; I still think of her sometime.

Thanks for writing about all this.

101 Bad Desi Dates said...

Dear Sunny -

It totally sucks and I am totally lucky. I met a girl in Goa - great English - she learned enough so at 8 she could create a business doing henna tattoos on the beach for foreigners, such talent and such goodness - wastef.

So sad. Some day I will use my power for good and set up scholarships for the girls in the Third World who need someone to have faith in them and fund their educations!

xo,
Desi Girl

NS said...

DG,

NS said...

DG - Trust me this comment was edited at least 10 times before posting, my barrage of tirades had to be SIGNIFICANTLY cut down. even though u know this stuff happens but when u actually come across it, it boils ur blood.

n no matter what the thing might be, dumping garbage is not exactly a honorable thing. argh!!!!! How u bear all that stuff, is beyond me!

101 Bad Desi Dates said...

Dear NS -

Ps love that use of initials "DG" !!!!

I can only imagine how irate you were with Younger Bhabhi - try having to sit in her house for 3 days and listen to her annoying talks and effed in the head thinking.

I guess I tolerated it bc her daughters amazing and my cousin is a nice enough dude. I still dont understand how he cast his brother aside over his wife - but it not my issue.

I go there, I do what I like and I leave. Tolerating them is simply behaving like a civilized person that mother taught me to be.

I dont respect her behavior - but at the end of the day she has to live with her actions and explain to God. Not me.

xo,
Desi Girl