Wednesday, March 2, 2011

310. HOLD THE MIRROR TO YOUR FACE FRIENDS


Ainsley and I are eating fries and drinking wine in a French Bistro we frequent after our volunteer meetings. Tonight though she has been very quiet, eerily quiet, listening to me recap the Dr. Froggy date, a tale I am telling upon her request.

I reach for my wine and take a long, slow sip. I fully intend on being quiet until she again speaks. Ainsley dips a fry in ketchup and chews slowly. “I don’t mean to be ignorant and I won’t even pretend to understand your culture or how you deal with the pressure to conform and be someone else’s idea of you…but what haven’t  you done for them? You worked in a family business, you majored in architecture, and now you’re gonna marry someone to please a bunch of people in India you don’t even like? How much do you have give up for them? And more than that – I can’t even see you with Dr. Froggy. You are one of the most energetic people I know and I don’t hear excitement in your voice. He sounds like a check box. College, done. Job, done. Marriage, done. I want you to tell me he is not a check box and I will let this go,” Ainsley says quickly, words rushing out of her mouth, fighting to be the one that dissuades me. And man oh man, I know I can be intimidating, so it is not often someone challenges me and holds the mirror to my face.

“And I guess – again, color me ignorant, I’m from Texas, fine, – but no offense you live in Manhattan. This is not Minnesota or India. The entire world lives in our city and it kinda bothers me that you limit yourself to the likes of Dr. Froggy and Town and Country. I don’t see you with either one of these guys. And some days I just wish you would date someone, anyone – just not Indian," Ainsley adds.

Luckily I stuffed a fry into my mouth and don’t have to immediately answer her. “And look I get it – living in the City is hard, really hard. The subways don’t always run, you have to carry your crap all over the place, people try to bomb us, most buildings don’t have laundry machines in the basement. But it is still an amazing place to live. And yes, for the right man I'd be okay with you giving up your life here, but, and this is just my two cents, I don’t think that man is Dr. Froggy," Ainsley says.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hi, I am the (Indian Girl from India) Anonymous who wrote previously. Finally!!! Someone who is telling you what I would have been itching to say had you been my friend. I totally agree with your friend. Why are/were you limiting yourself to Indian guys just to please your family? Families are very different and though I am from the south of India, I am aware that people from Punjab are quite conservative - so I am sure this is/was difficult for you. But the people who matter in your family actually just want you to be happy. My Indian parents who had never even travelled to Europe until I decided to go to London to study did not die or disown me, contrary to my wildest nightmares, when the man I met and fell in love with happened to be European rather than Indian. Sometimes our nightmares are much worse than the reality.

Anonymous said...

Hi, it is the Punjabi desi in CT. I can understand why your friend would say what she has said but my question is for you. I know that you have said that you want to marry an Indian. Fine. My question to you: what are you willing to sacrifice to do just that? Iintellectual stimulation, sexual excitement, being with someone who 'gets' you and will have your back no matter what the world (and in-laws) throws your way, children? Maybe you will find all that with an Indian man. What if you don't ...how long are you willing to wait? what if you reach 50 and you still haven't found someone like that? Do not want to tell you how to live your life but just want you to draw your own line in the sand...

My Courageous Life said...

Listen to Ainsley!

101 Bad Desi Dates said...

Dear Anonymous (Indian Girl from India),

So nice to hear from you - and it is great that you and Ainsley are on the same page. And it is tough, the person I want to be for me is different than who I think my family and relatives think I should be. But I bet $50 that my happiness would come before other stuff.

And my family is weird, they are open-minded, but traditional, which makes them an odd kind of conservative.

You are so right - our nightmares are much worse than reality - I love this line, I am going to quote you tonight on the blog's facebook page!

Thanks so much!

xo,
Desi Girl

101 Bad Desi Dates said...

Dear Anonymous (Friend in CT) -

Thanks for your note and you ask a question that has run a repeated relay for a long time, three years I guess.

And I don't at all think you are telling me how to live my life - and I appreciate the advice.

I have been running the quote of "Einstein said the definition of insanity was doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result." I hope I draw my line in the sand before I go insane. And I know something off,sometimes it is hard to get there. But I agree, that line has to be drawn.

xo,
Desi Girl

101 Bad Desi Dates said...

Dear MCL -

You would love Ainsley and Siobhan!

Three peas in a pod!

xo,
Desi Girl