Wednesday, March 30, 2011


Because I cannot get a read on Dr. Froggy, I’m re-reading our emails. I am becoming increasingly worried about our ability to communicate. And I get it; I’m an uber-girl, who is all about expressing feelings and talking.I personally don't know how you can have any meaningful relationship (work, friendship or romantic) without constant communication. Am I asking for that much? I don't know, you tell me.

As a pretty standard man, I am sure Dr. Froggy would rather scale Mount Everest without a parka. But, I don’t think I am out of order by wanting him to show me some compassion, to actually call me, rather than send texts that convolute messages. And since I am dealing with Dad, I don’t want to react in a hasty fashion and tell him to bugger off. 

He did tell me once that he’s a doctor and he deals with death all the time, but I won’t be able to deal with being handled antiseptically. Maybe there is a type of woman who is meant to be a doctor’s wife, and maybe that person is not me. And I am independent, but the point of being in a relationship and getting married, I thought was to build a life with a companion. Sometimes I feel like I will be on the sidelines making sure the heat works and going to Florida when summoned. And maybe this the conversation we need to have. I feel like am being relegated into becoming something, someone I am not.

There is another thing that has been bothering me. I invited Dr. Froggy to come to Minneapolis (before Dad got sick) and meet my friends and family. I understand that maybe Dr. Froggy does not think of Minneapolis as a place he’d want to visit (but Minneapolis is a bigger town and media market than where he lives). And this is where my “people” are. You want your friends and family to like the person you are dating. I am not saying they need to be stamp “approved” across Dr. Froggy’s forehead – but I would like them to get along. Since I have met his family and friends, I don’t think what I am asking is that outrageous. Yet he has not responded to that email either, not even with regret, which is a perfectly fine answer. Not the one that I want, but an acceptable one nonetheless.

Instead Dr. Froggy asked me to come to Florida. So now I don’t know what is going on. Am I just expected to fall in line like his mother does, like my mother does? Then I am DEFINITELY not the right woman for this guy. And does he think that whenever he wants to go to Florida I am just going to follow? Because sure once or twice is nice for a Sunshine State 3-day weekend, but every month is too much for me. Something I would tell him if we ever had a conversation. 

Which segues into, he really doesn't know anything about me and begs the question, are we ever going to talk about anything real, that matters? 


Another Kiran In NYC said...

Does he actually know what is Real to you? What matters to you? As in actually been told... in words. Not hints, not expecting him to read your mind or draw conclusions from conversations. Have you told him what is important to you in clear and very concrete terms, almost literally like a checklist. As unromantic as it sounds, men don't often intuitively read us, or sometimes just afraid to read us. Of course, I could say the same for women reading men too.

There is a difference in the way men and women communicate. As both sexes get older we do tend to become more comfortable with our own way of communicating and are less apt to make the effort to put ourselves in the shoes of the other sex. Not always because we are too lazy or uncaring, but perhaps because we become more comfortable with who we are and are willing to just let it hang out without judgement.

As communicative and in vibe my husband and I are, there are still times when we have to actually tell each other... usually kindly... exactly what we expect from the other, just like a detailed check list. In the first decade of our marriage I expected him to just GET ME... because he loved and cared about me. I thought reading each other's mind and knowing what we expected of each other in each situation was a measure of our love, caring, respect and just plain manners. It didn't always work and I think it was unfair to both of us. It was only in the second decade of our marriage that we finally realized we don't think alike or have the same reactions and that is perfectly okay and workable... just as long as we are able to put ourselves out and be very clear in telling each other what we need at that point.

Also as I get older I realize that my existence and what I represent is always in relation to the current needs or life needs of the person I am communicating with at any point...and that covers everyone I am in contact with... my husband, kids, coworkers, friends, the teenager at the grocery store checkout. People accepting me for what I am, is a good idea and lovely for my ego and id. However that makes me an abstract entity that does not really affect anyone. In the real world I do affect everyone in different ways according to their needs and life and vice versa. Einstein did have a point obviously not just about physics but about people too.

Okay now I have rambled on enough and I should run off and play my roles of mother, wife and professional and friend ... all roles that add to the making up me... happily I might add. They need me in different roles in their just as much as I need them in different ways. At the end of the day I am still me and richer for all that.

Another Kiran In NYC said...

Oh I wanted to add. If you are serious about exploring the relationship, you may have to force the conversation on him so you can tell him exactly what you need. It doesn't look like he is very comfortable opening up this conversation and will continue to be befuddled by your needs.

Of course if you take it further, you may have to remind him ... again and again and again and yet again... and this normal in many marriages and relationships :)

101 Bad Desi Dates said...

Dear Another Kiran in NYC,

I agree with you, there is not relationship of equals. I just want something more than feeling like I’ll become my mom, which is not a bad thing. Some women don’t want to work, some do. Some women don’t need to work, some do. I’d like a mix. Which I did tell him. But he wants a trophy wife. When I met his friends, one of the wives was SO gorgeous, that I made a comment to him about her. He said his friend was lucky to have a trophy, and that was how he saw me. Now, mind you, I am no Aishwarya Rai, I am not hideous, but I never lumped myself into the category of trophy wives. And I have tried to talk to him, but he’s either busy or watching hockey. I really feel like I am supposed to not be seen or heard! And I am Punjabi we don’t come in quiet 

Ah yes Town and Country – yes pining is an apt description. I desire him like an addict in search of speed. He is the worst thing for me and yet I cannot shake him. I do very well when he ignores me, or is wrapped up in his work. Then he comes back ….

Yea, desis – you are not the only one asking. More on this is coming.

Desi Girl
p.s. I owe you a response to your other comment and it is coming .

Anonymous said...

Complete stranger here - found your blog while bloghopping, and read some of your archives (just enough to get the gist) - First of all, sorry to hear about your father's illness. The first time a parent falls seriously ill is always earth-shaking, IME. Prayers for his recovery and for you for strength.

Now, my take on your romantic situation, if you'll forgive someone with NO stakes in this commenting. My perspective is that of someone who grew up in India (Bangalore actually - that is what caught my eye on your blog - your ref to B'lore cousin), came here for grad school and stayed. Am in my 40s - married (to a person of similar background, who also came here for grad school originally) with elementary aged kids - I'd say Dr. Froggy sounds like a bad idea.

I like what Kiran said above, about communicating your needs clearly to him, BUT - a parent being seriously ill is NOT, IMO, a situation that needs explanation before empathy/sympathy is forthcoming. It sounds to me (again, just from a cursory read, so I could obviously be wrong) - that Dr. Froggy does expect a "traditional" wife - one who takes on his family as her own, while hers remain "uncle"/"aunty". Too often, girls (and I am sorry, am pandering to a stereotype, but it seems to apply here) and N.Indian girls especially are expected to just forget their natal families - especially if they have brothers who are expected to care for their parents. I didn't/don't agree, and that was one of the first things I brought up with my now husband, almost 20 years ago, when we first met.

I don't like the fact that you seem forced to choose between two bad choices - or one bad choice and none. Feeling pressured to choose is not a good situation.

be strong.


101 Bad Desi Dates said...

Dear Another Kiran in NYC -

Finally able to catch up, sorry for the delay - work you know! :)

Okay - and I am sure not - he does not know what is REAL to me. I am pretty sure that the only person who really gets me is my brother, we grew up in the same house, have the same parents, have the same history - I am not saying all siblings are close, we are, and so he probably gets me, knows how I am wired.

With that said, I probably have about 6 friends who also really get me - which happens over time, cultivating a relationship. Which is what I am trying to do with Dr. Froggy - and I agree a checklist sounds great, and sure maybe unromantic, but the reality.

And I am not a smoke and mirrors, drama girl - yes I am a dramatic story teller, but low emotional maintenance. I have no expectation that Dr. Froggy read me, I doubt he can, he has only known me for 6 months.

And I am worried that as we get older, we get secure and set in our ways. I am a pretty adaptable person but how much work do I have do? All of it? bc that will get old, fast.

I am completely fine with pushing the conversation, but you are right, he doesn't want to have it. And when you push men, they just run away - that has been my desi dating in NYC experience.

Desi Girl

101 Bad Desi Dates said...

Dear Anonymous (M) -

Thanks for your note and you are always welcome to comment. That is my fear with Dr. Froggy, that he says likes the urban, City gal - but really he just wants me to buy a Louis bag and go to lunch with his friend's wife.

To date men with money, I think can be a catch 22, you become dependent on them and they call all the shots.

And I dont know, I dont think you are stereotyping, bc N. Indian girls and their natal families is kinda right. Every woman who has married into my parental family is no longer a member of her family. There is a reason desis say Punjus are loud, gregarious and drink alot.

While I think Kiran makes lots of really good points, I agree with, M, super tons, I am worried that my Dad is hospitalized and he can't call me? I mean really?

So glad you found the blog. Hope you read, hope you enjoy, hope you comment when you feel like it!

Will post again on Sunday!

Desi Girl