Friday, May 13, 2011

361. HOW MANY PEOPLE SHOULD I DATE BEFORE I KNOW I HAVE FOUND THE ONE?

I have my date with, Tao, one of the Queens boys. He lives in Forest Hills. From his photo he’s tall, average looking and has all of his hair. According to his profile he’s over 6’-0” feet tall and four years younger than me. When we first talked, I asked several times about the age difference, in several ways, to make sure he KNEW I was older. This is an issue for some desi moms. They don’t like it when their sons marry older women. I don’t know why, maybe there’s some Hindu scripture about it that I couldn’t be bothered to learn.

Tao is easy to find. He’s desi and wears tennis shoes. It is a good thing we’re not meeting at Campbell Apartment or the 21 Club that has a dress code for men. In fact we are meeting at TAO New York, a very cool Asian restaurant in Midtown. TAO New York used to be a 19th Century stable for the Vanderbilt’s, then it was tiered theatre, and now it is where New Yorkers dine. And it has a GIGANTIC Buddha in the middle of the dining room.

Tao, the date, and I are seated and order drinks. He orders Jack and Coke and I red wine. He talks about work, and that he doesn’t have time for hobbies because he is very busy with his job. So immediately I wonder how this is going to work geographically, of course if I move to Long Island City with Ainsley, half of that battle is over. But if he is too busy to date, this is an issue too, I cannot do another Town and Country “romance”.

Tao then talks about sports and mentions watching some Philadelphia Steelers game. I literally CHOKE on my wine. I may have mentioned a few times that I am NOT sporty. But even I KNOW that the Steelers belong to Pittsburgh, and the Eagles to Philadelphia. There is a part of me that wonders if he confused the team’s names and I don’t correct him.

He keeps talking and tells me about his sister and her husband who live near him in Queens. It is when he tells me he has never had a girlfriend that I freeze. Ugh, really? I don’t want to be the one who breaks him in. And then he decides that he needs to see what else is out there, because Desi Girl is no man’s sloppy seconds. And I think it is unfair to him not to date more people. I also think our dating experience and maturity about expressing feelings will be more prominent age-wise now.

“Tao, thanks for sharing that with me, I think you’re a great guy, but I think you need to take some time and date, really put yourself out there. New York is filled with lots of desi singles looking to meet someone special,” I say. “I think you’re special,” he says. Oh boy. “That is very nice of you to say, but I really think you should have some relationships that shape, you learn from every person you meet and date. I think you should do that before you select the one,” I say. “What if I date and still want to see you again?” Tao asks. “Then call me,” I say. “How many people should I date before I know I have found the one?” he asks. “I don’t know. You just know when you know.”

14 comments:

amanda said...

Hmmm my desi mother in-law doesn't seem to mind that i am 8 years older than my husband. But i guess money trumps age :)

Anonymous said...

Mother-in-laws desire grandchildren.

An older woman is likely nearer to menopause and unlikely to provide grandchildren

101 Bad Desi Dates said...

Dear Amanda -

My desi mom is way cool and fine with age, too. My brother's wife is elder to him, too. It was never an issue - and you know, when I think about it, my parents really are cool. Considering they left Delhi for Minnesota, have been in the US longer than India, they are pretty resilient and impressive people.

I think your desi mom-in-law sees more to you than money or age, I am sure she knows you deeply love her son - that is a mother who really loves her child!

Go Amanda's mom-in-law!

xo,
Desi Girl

101 Bad Desi Dates said...

Dear Anonymous -

You make an EXCELLENT point, mom-in-laws want grandbabies.

But the way science is going, the rate of women having babies in their 40s is on the rise! And I know plenty of younger women between 19-25 who have endometriosis, more couples than not nowadays have to do IVF - ugh! I have so much empathy for couples trying with no success.

I guess we shd just be thankful for the little gifts we get from God!

xo,
Desi Girl

Adventurous Ammena said...

wow... hubby is 3 years younger than me but thankful you wouldnt be able to tell... we are both as immature as each other although sometimes he can be the old head and I wanna do just stuff ;) glad to see you have the options though hun :) Hoping you find your guy soon

My Courageous Life said...

Did you tell Rohit about this guy's Steelers mistake? From what I remember Rohit was a big Steelers fan I think.

Anonymous said...

@Adventurous Ammena .. Looks like DesiGirl has already found her guy, or definitely seems so from the display picture on her personal FB Page(not the 101BDD page)

@DesiGirl, have thoroughly enjoyed reading your posts so far. I am pretty sure there's a book on the way ..any updates on the progress so far ? I guess there are a lot of books out there from the ABCD or Desi perspective, but your experience is different, and great fun to read even though the actual process of going thru 101 bdds must've been painful.

Just so you know, I'm Guy+Geek from Bangalore and this has become the first blog I check for every morning in my Reader !!

Keep writing ....

Anonymous said...

@Desi girl, most Indian men want a bride who will baby them like mom and is 5 years younger.

They dont want an independent minded girl. Finally they have the option of importing a bride from India.

You may have an easier time trying to find a white husband.

101 Bad Desi Dates said...

Dear My Courageous Life -

Ah yea, Rohit and Meera were like "really?" - but if you are really not into sports, these mistakes can be made! :)

xo,
Desi Girl

101 Bad Desi Dates said...

Dear Guy+Geek from Bangalore!

Tee hee ... facebook snapperoo, is SUCH a nice guy, he's a sommelier, and a friend, so sorry to disappoint!

And your note is so nice to read. I am so glad you like, and yes I'd like to spend more time working on the novel perspective. In January I was taking a writing class and I was much more diligent at writing chapters and the like, so I need to get back to that.

And I really believe whatever does not kill you makes you stronger! :)

I'll keep writing don't you worry!

xo,
Desi Girl

101 Bad Desi Dates said...

Dear Anonymous -

I don't know that I am in complete agreement with you. I do agree that men can go to India and find a wife and "import" her to America. But I think to say Indian men want to be babied as adults, is rather unfair and makes them sound backwards and stuck in 1962. I think this comment would upset Rohit and my brother and some other guy friends (desi) I have.
These desi guys like women who have original thoughts and are educated and have worked outside of the home.

And I know Indian men who married women who are 5-7 years younger then them, 20 years ago and now they are miserable married to women who are not well-rounded. I think the knife cuts both ways.

Best,
Desi Girl

101 Bad Desi Dates said...

Dear Adventurous Ammena -

I think that is GREAT! I am sure I will find him, younger or older, and it will be everything I ever wanted!

Frankly, I know "older" men who are immature too - so focusing on age is short sighted.

xo,
Desi Girl

Anonymous said...

Dear DG,
Reading your comments here, I realize the maturity on your outlook on life and people. We (including yours truly) all have a tendency to pigeon-hole people. I used to take pride in thinking I didn't do that...until I start talking about Indian men, having been burnt by one or two. You are so wise that we should really try daily to see each individual for him or herself. Thanks for sticking up for people like Rohit and others who really do try to be individuals :)

101 Bad Desi Dates said...

Dear Anonymous -

Thanks for your note! Well - I am straight shooter and I call them as I see them! And you are very kind with your comments - but it is true. I mean sure I understand that men can go back to India and import brides.

But there are PLENTY of nice, decent Indian men in America who date and marry American women (desi and non-desi).

We get there when we get there - you cannot hurry love or destiny.

xo,
Desi Girl