Monday, May 30, 2011

373. SO LIVE IT


Before Dad got sick I used to call Mom a few times a day, sometimes to say hello, other times to hear her tell me everything is okay, that I am okay and destiny will figure itself out. Now that Dad has come home, it is really hard (understandably) to have a private conversation with Mom. Between cooking, cleaning and coordinating all the care givers, she has very little time for anything else, including herself.

In order for Mom and me to have a few minutes alone, I have to wait for her to run errands where she calls me from the parking lot of the grocery store, mall or bank on her mobile phone. “How’s Dad?” I ask. “A little cranky, but fine,” she replies. “How are you? You sound tired,” I ask. She pauses. Because I have the tendency to over-react when anyone gets sick or has to have surgery, my parents and brother prefer to withhold the truth from me (I am sure they think they are saving me from panicking). Now that I live 1000 miles away, I am pretty sure this strongly motivates them to keep things from me. But every now and then I can get Desi Brother to crack and tell me what is really going on.

“So Dad wants me to come home? In case there is a fire in the house…” I ask calmly. “Yes that is what he is saying. But I don’t want that,” she replies. Hhhmm. Dad is a pretty typical Indian man who left India in 1967, he still lives in that “head-of-the-house” era, even though Mom runs our lives, but we don’t argue with him, because we don’t win. “I see,” I reply skeptically.

“I said no. I don’t want you coming home, do you understand? No arguing with me,” Mom says in her authoritative, I’m-in-no-mood-to-be-trifled-with-I-gave-birth-to-you-and-if-you-challenge-me-I-will-slap-the-sin-out-of-you-I-don’t-care-if-you-are-taller. Make no mistake, normally is VERY hard to silence me, but after all these years, I conform to this Desi Mom tone. “Okay, but Dad thinks I’m booking a ticket right now,” I reply, still calm. “You have done enough for me, for him. I want you to stay there – in New York – and do what you need to do. End of story. He can hire a night nurse,” Mom says, pauses and continues. “How much did we do for our parents after we came to America? Nothing. We were not there when all four of your grandparents died. You are not here to fix everything; you have your own life to live. So live it.”

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

hey desi girl..

your mom sounds like a very strong woman. i'm kind of the same as you. my family generally withholds information from me about sickness, health, especially when it concerns my parents. I'm the worrier of the family.

but its really great to see that your mom can be so strong and tell you to live your life. much respect to her!

how is your dad now? (i mean in 2011 and not the date of this post.lol..)

sandeep

Sujith said...

Your mom is just awesome and a women like her is what makes a 'mom' very special. What she said is right. simply, our parents love us more than how much we love them and its the same with us and our kids. I dont mean to offend you. Thats just the way it is i guess. When your mom says that you have done enough, it just speaks volumes about her.

Anonymous said...

It has taken me this long to get over the post about your dad not allowing you to mow the lawn etc - more than your dad's edict, I was surprised by your acceptance of it. So glad to hear your mom's take on this issue. She is RIGHT.

-Indian from India

101 Bad Desi Dates said...

Dear Sandeep -

She is a VERY strong woman, comes from a long line of strong women. She is cool peeps, sometimes I think it is amazing how broad and open minded she is considering when and where she grew up, in the 50s, in India, after Partition.

I was talking to my friend about being the worrier and that I cry more than my parents or brother and that I must be weak or something. And she said it was strength, to be able to openly release - so that is what you are too!

Dad is better, not 100% but, Desi Dad has come a LONG way!

xo,
Desi Girl

101 Bad Desi Dates said...

Dear Sujith -

You did not offend me at all.
Agreed, Moms rock. And yes I am sure she loves me more than I can imagine. And yes, I am sure being a parent is a kind of unreal, out of the world love. She is something pretty special.

xo,
Desi Girl

101 Bad Desi Dates said...

Dear Indian from India -

I guess with the lawn mower it did not strike me to talk back. I had seen some of the older girls in the neighborhood mowing, but Dad said no and it never struck to me argue. Plus he is difficult to argue with bc he always wins.

And I don't remember being interested in power tools either, so I never thought of it as a loss either. Now if Dad had taken my books or dolls away I would have pitched a full on fit.

And yes - Desi Mom is right - live it!

xo,
Desi Girl

Anonymous said...

Desi Girl, your mom is awesome! She's an older desi lady and a housewife, such women are not known to tell their kids to 'live their life.' Your mom is special.

-- aj.

101 Bad Desi Dates said...

Dear AJ -

Desi Mom is AWESOME. Bangalore Cousin tells me that all the time.

Desi Girl hearts Desi Mom! I mean for someone who has been a housewife her whole life - she is really wise and broad minded.

xo,
Desi Girl

Anonymous said...

Your dad expects so much out of the children that they have to come all the way to rescue him out of the fire. He has to make his own arrangements. Already your mom and everybody is stressed out because of his condition. To make it more difficult, he can't expects everyone leaves there life and maintain him. Ridiculous.
Is he a child?

101 Bad Desi Dates said...

Dear Anonymous -

Ugh, where to start or what to say? I understand what you are saying and it is frustrating to watch from the outside, bc we're the kids. The one thing that I really struggled with was what would I feel like if lost the use of my core and muscles for 4 months. Sometimes I wonder what he thought about all those months just laying in a hospital bed. He didn't read, he didn't watch TV, he didn't like the food - so I am sure it was tough. But you are right, you cannot have all these people at your beck and call because they are your wife and kids.

It is tough somedays. I try to be as understanding as I can - but we all have to keep in living too. Aiy!

xo,
DG