Wednesday, June 8, 2011

380. I WORRY ABOUT MILK I HAVE YET TO SPILL


Between planning Meera’s shower menu (I have learned the mimosa ratio of champagne to orange juice from Haynes Thomas Taylor – is to taste, so I will be drinking champers straight up) and Possible-Mate-From-Chicago’s trip, I begin to feel a mini-panic attack mounting.

I am putting enough effort into Possible-Mate-From-Chicago’s trip to where he will have a nice time, but not enough to drive him away with overly-attentive Type A planning, like I do with my friends. My friends find my planning and attention --- sweet, charming, loyal, and reliable. Men, so I have been told, men who you are in various stages of dating, find that level of detail overwhelming and suffocating. So Desi Girl does not do that anymore!

When I stop planning and plotting for a moment, I have a thought – what if this works out. What if Possible-Mate-From-Chicago likes me as much as I like him? Then what? He meets my parents. I meet his. He meets my niece. I meet his. And we begin planning a wedding. Five hundred people come from my side, five hundred people come from his side (we’re Indian and Punjabi and yes 1,000 is an exaggeration, but not by much). Then we live together, happily, like man and wife.

But.

But what about the so many things we have never talked about it. Like, where would we live? Does he expect me to move to Chicago? Is he coming to New York to check it out? Or just see me? Will we ever talk about this? And no offense to Chicago and its suburbs, but I love Minneapolis a little more. If it were not for the bleeping cold weather I’d consider moving back to Minneapolis before Chicago. MSP is a GREAT place for a family.

And I want to be a writer. How will I have time to do that and raise kids? Kids? Do I REALLY want them? Like yes, they are adorable and priceless and I am sure they make life worth living all over again. But I am so Type A, OCD that I fear in 10 years I will be uber-PTA President demanding that Huck Finn be put back on the school library bookshelves. What if I want to travel in 10 years? I am sure grade schoolers don’t want to see the pyramids. And, horror, what if my children don’t like shoes and prefer to … I don’t know … hike.  And what about the way, sometimes, I shop a teensy-weensy bit too much? Damn those Ann Taylor mailer coupons.

This is why sometimes I think it is easier to just live in the dark. In the dark my imagination is honest with my anxieties and insecurities. In the dark I can deal with the loneliness that I rail against – but secretly, sometimes, is it true, I find comfort in being alone. I understand what it takes to exist as an island, to be single.

I can buy what I want (shoes, pants, bags). I can eat what I want (coffee for breakfast, Ruffles and vino for dinner). I can drag $50 worth of Target sundries 40 blocks on the train. There is nothing but the solitary fight to survive. Sometimes I don’t think the loneliness scares me as much as the loss of independence. Maybe that is why I fear relationships, falling in love again – it means becoming dependent on someone. I think I have been alone so long that I don’t know how to function in a unit.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

Knowing HTT her mimosa recipe also calls for a shot of some type of extra liquor

Adventurous Ammena said...

'I think I have been alone so long that I don’t know how to function in a unit'

I thought the same hun.. once you meet the right person, trust me you will want to function in a unit, love it and wonder why you were alone for so long.

Praying it a works out for you xx

101 Bad Desi Dates said...

Dear Anonymous -

LOL! HTT - hhhmm and ha! Perhaps, she is very proper and is well knowing of such important things!

Maybe one day I will see her again, that would be super duper! If you see her - tell her I MISS MISS MISS her! But know she is busy!

xo,
Desi Girl

101 Bad Desi Dates said...

Dear Adventurous Ammena -

Phew - okay, good, I feel better knowing you stop doing this when you meet the right person.

Thanks for your support!
xo,
Desi Girl

Adventurous Ammena said...

I hope you dont feel I was being cheesy or condescending there hun :( that wasnt my intention and before I met my husband I would always roll my eyes when people would say the same thing.. but it is true and I pray you find that person to enjoy your life with soon.. stars or no desis ;)

jestingjousts said...

Minneapolis is cool city, no pun intended!

~ Krishanu

101 Bad Desi Dates said...

Dear Adventurous Ammena!

Absolutely NOT - did not think you were being cheesy or flip or anything. You know and expect your mother and friends to tell you everything will be fine, right, is is their job to support.

But it nice to know that this worry about how to function in a unit is universal, something so many of us can relate to - and in time - overcome!

Here is to the realignment of my stars!

xo,
Desi Girl

101 Bad Desi Dates said...

Dear Krishanu!

It is COOL - no pun intended from my side too. If I had kids - I would be living in the Twin Towns - and I am SURE I'd be whining about the weather all year long :)

xo,
Desi Girl