I am obsessed with the conversation Siobhan and I had the other night. She is right. I know she is right. I need to, have to shake this Town and Country thing once and for all. I need to get him out of my system. I need to purge him. I think it is easy to slide into denial. Pretend that all is fine when it is all akimbo. I mean sure working and then getting paid is great. But at what emotional cost is this money coming at? It feels like blood money for my heart and soul. No doubt I am doing it to myself. No doubt I am the only one who can liberate Desi Girl from Town and Country. No doubt. No doubt. No doubt.
I mean HOW MANY times do I have to tell myself that he is NOT NOT NOT interested in me the way I am in him. How many times do I have to do this to myself? Isn’t this the 98th time he has come and gone from my life? Why can’t I be like one of those girls who is only looking for money? If you are a gold-digger it is much more cut and dry, it is about money and not feeling anything meaningful. I however want to feel something meaningful. But you know what you cannot feel something meaningful in a bubble – you need it reciprocated.
And now that I think about it, several days have elapsed since I heard from Town and Country, during which time the package I sent him has to have been received. I get up from the desk and pace across the apartment a few times. Surely he has gotten the package, I mean sure it is the holiday season but how long does it take for something to travel from Uptown to Downtown?
As I think about this, something inside of me feels itchy and scratchy. I don’t demand and need a lot of attention. I am pretty self-sufficient. I don’t require my friends to tell me how much they adore me – in fact when they do it makes me uncomfortable. I have won a couple of volunteer awards and when you sit and listen to what people have said about you – that too feels awkward. Same for my bosses and clients, I don’t need verbal accolades on a job well done. Just tell me what you need done and I’ll do it.
But the conversation with Siobhan, the lack of acknowledging receipt of package and needing to kick him like he’s a bad habit is making me need some acknowledgment.