It is interesting how things that mattered yesterday, last year, a decade ago don’t matter in the present. I mean, take Town and Country. I am not a huge self doubter, if I was; there is no way I would have moved to New York. There is no way I would have desi dated with a vengeance for the first few years (two or three, I chose not to keep accurate count). There was no way I would keep on trying to make it in New York if I was not a resilient, spunky, persistent woman. I believed, I still believe. Faith, it is more important than hope.
I do want to meet a nice guy – this is not to say anything about the nice level about Town and Country. But you know, now that I have gone into Town and Country purgatory, now that he shunned me and avoids me like I contracted leprosy, life is a little better for me. I no longer think of him, and more importantly pine over him. I realize I must sound deranged a little – but there was some attraction that I could not shake with him. Maybe it was even an obsession. But I wonder if I was obsessed with him, the idea of him, or what having a “him” meant.
I don’t feel ready to date again. Which also, I know, sounds wonky. It is not like I had a romantic relationship with him. Yes, we had a relationship. I mean I never demanded anything of him. Maybe I worried I thought he would not want to see me again. So maybe I was the one who was okay with having a tattered fragment of a pseudo relationship than being rejected and alone. But is that not what I am now? Alone?