556. WHEN TEENY TINY FEELS HUGE

Today my teeny tiny apartment feels huge, empty and blecky. I cabbed Mom to LGA and then took the bus/subway combo; normally I do this because I’m cheap. This time I did it to prolong coming home to this loneliness. I do often wonder if I am alone because I am now incapable of living with someone, being single so long and living alone for 10+ years can do that to a person.

And sure, I love my Mom and I am sure I miss having her around. So maybe if I met the right man, THE ONE, I’d love having him around even in a space this small. Of course, since Town and Country lives in 4,000 square feet he’d have no idea on how to function in this space. And I wonder if he really knows how to function in a couple anyway.

And now that I am allowing myself to think about him, I am really annoyed with him for contacting me. And I am really really annoyed that he apologized. It was A LOT easier to hate him and throw daggers at his face in my head when I thought he was a jerk. And he still is a jerk, apologizing does not get him off the hook. Of course I am rather curious as to (a) why he even apologized, I didn’t peg him for someone who feels remorse, because I was beginning to wonder what feelings he felt. And no I don’t mean I think he is without feeling, I just don’t understand him because he seems all over all the board with his I like you, I hate you and (b) why is he calling me. He better not think I’d sleep with him after the way he behaves so flippantly with me.

I crack open the window, shoot this apartment is hotter than Hades and crawl into bed. I flip through channels until I find an episode of Law and Order and shut my eyes to take a nap. I don’t feel like dealing with this lonely apartment or Town and Country.