227. DESI GIRL MUST BECOME POWERFUL

Today is my college ex-boyfriend’s birthday. I don’t know why, after 10 years of not speaking to him, I still remember him on “his day”. I guess some people are so impactful that, even after they're gone, you continue to journey with the memory of them all through life.

The Ex was easy to be with. We used to have so much fun making late night Taco Bell border runs for chicken soft shells and nachos. We’d sit in the car about talk about the future while calling each other by our pet names, Pashy (him) and Ka-poopsly (me). And it’s hard to forget a man who buys you gigantic, life-sized stuffed animals from FAO Schwartz. I still have those ridiculously expensive toys, a duck and a bear. They’re in the closet of my childhood bedroom. I don’t have the space to keep them in New York. And I don’t have the heart to part with them.

Looking back, I really thought I’d marry him. I mean sure, there were a few guys who expressed interest in me. But it was like they didn’t exist. I thought he, The Ex, was THE ONE. Love is like a thunderstorm, I guess. Cool and scary. You open your heart, mind and soul to someone and love makes you so powerful that you’re powerless.

When my phone beeps I flip it open, expecting a note from Ainsley or Meera. Instead I gasp. This has to be a sick and twisted joke, I think, and read the text message from Town and Country: Sorry about not getting in touch when I was supposed to.

In the few weeks that had elapsed since Town and Country contacted and then ignored me, I was finally able to (again) get over the stinging rejection of this man’s passive aggressive, “I want you, I don’t want you,” bullshit. It makes me want to break something over his head. Like a rotten egg, which is exactly how he behaves. Which leads to the scarier issue with Town and Country, in that I fear, if I let him, he has the power to blow my life apart. This is why I have to learn from past mistakes and become powerful, not powerless against him.

If I want to be in control of my heart, I have to become 100% desi goddess, and NEVER speak to Town and Country again. He has the pull of the ocean, once I get into the water and wade too deep, he will drown me. So instead of replying, I delete his message.