Okay, now that the jetlag has passed and pandit’s puja necklace is securely fastened to my neck and not coming off until I get married, I am ready to move onto the business of getting married.
I feel better; validated, officially knowing because the stars and moon have confirmed, that Town and Country is the disaster I have known he is. I’ve been thinking a lot as to why I am attracted to someone who is not attracted to me. Or he is attracted to me but is able to turn his emotions on and off like a faucet. Content to be married to his work, which would make me the mistress in his life.
I guess I don’t understand how these desi men I meet in New York are slaves to their jobs and need nothing else. Are they robots? Of course I being a Type A, OCD, control freak can appreciate obsessive behavior and the need for perfection. I get fixed on a task and don’t let go until I outdo myself. But I desire relationships and love and the feeling that I belong to someone, something, that is bigger than simply me. It is why I join groups and make conversation with strangers. I am a relationship builder by nature. So perhaps Town and Country is really a loner. Or really, truly, a robot. Or a vampire.
I have spent a lot of time hoping that he would change his mind and like me the way I want to be liked. But I think the time to stop believing in hope has come. I think hope is setting me up to fail. Hope has me constantly reaching for something that was always outside of my grasp. But for some reason, when I think about embracing faith, it seems like a better, natural idea. Faith will give me the solid base from which I can keep moving. It will allow for flexibility, too. I can have faith in me, in a better day, that there is a lesson in wanting the wrong man, God, and knowing my circumstance is going to make me stronger.
Faith not hope - this is my new mantra.