Sunday, February 6, 2011


Okay, now that the jetlag has passed and pandit’s puja necklace is securely fastened to my neck and not coming off until I get married, I am ready to move onto the business of getting married.

I feel better; validated, officially knowing because the stars and moon have confirmed, that Town and Country is the disaster I have known he is. I’ve been thinking a lot as to why I am attracted to someone who is not attracted to me. Or he is attracted to me but is able to turn his emotions on and off like a faucet. Content to be married to his work, which would make me the mistress in his life.

I guess I don’t understand how these desi men I meet in New York are slaves to their jobs and need nothing else. Are they robots? Of course I being a Type A, OCD, control freak can appreciate obsessive behavior and the need for perfection. I get fixed on a task and don’t let go until I outdo myself. But I desire relationships and love and the feeling that I belong to someone, something, that is bigger than simply me. It is why I join groups and make conversation with strangers. I am a relationship builder by nature. So perhaps Town and Country is really a loner. Or really, truly, a robot. Or a vampire.

I have spent a lot of time hoping that he would change his mind and like me the way I want to be liked. But I think the time to stop believing in hope has come. I think hope is setting me up to fail. Hope has me constantly reaching for something that was always outside of my grasp. But for some reason, when I think about embracing faith, it seems like a better, natural idea. Faith will give me the solid base from which I can keep moving. It will allow for flexibility, too. I can have faith in me, in a better day, that there is a lesson in wanting the wrong man, God, and knowing my circumstance is going to make me stronger.

Faith not hope - this is my new mantra.


Sunny said...

Faith is more powerful than hope. I have heard both arguments: faith is NOW, hope is in future or that you have to have hope, i.e, you need to know what you want, to have faith, but I don't agree with them.

I think "hope" connotes doubt, faith does not.

I have faith that your heart and mind will guide you well.

101 Bad Desi Dates said...

Dear Sunny -

I too have heard both arguments and maybe it comes down to choice.

But I can say, for me, faith has saved me over and over again, so I believe in faith. And I agree hope does have an element of doubt and lack of control, you are sort floating without vision or direction.

Faith lets it be ambiguous yet moving forward.

Desi Girl