Okay, now that the jetlag has passed and pandit’s puja necklace is securely fastened to my neck and not coming off until I get married, I am ready to move onto the business of getting married.
I feel better; validated, officially knowing because the stars and moon have confirmed, that Town and Country is the disaster I have known he is. I’ve been thinking a lot as to why I am attracted to someone who is not attracted to me. Or he is attracted to me but is able to turn his emotions on and off like a faucet. Content to be married to his work, which would make me the mistress in his life.
I guess I don’t understand how these desi men I meet in New York are slaves to their jobs and need nothing else. Are they robots? Of course I being a Type A, OCD, control freak can appreciate obsessive behavior and the need for perfection. I get fixed on a task and don’t let go until I outdo myself. But I desire relationships and love and the feeling that I belong to someone, something, that is bigger than simply me. It is why I join groups and make conversation with strangers. I am a relationship builder by nature. So perhaps Town and Country is really a loner. Or really, truly, a robot. Or a vampire.
I have spent a lot of time hoping that he would change his mind and like me the way I want to be liked. But I think the time to stop believing in hope has come. I think hope is setting me up to fail. Hope has me constantly reaching for something that was always outside of my grasp. But for some reason, when I think about embracing faith, it seems like a better, natural idea. Faith will give me the solid base from which I can keep moving. It will allow for flexibility, too. I can have faith in me, in a better day, that there is a lesson in wanting the wrong man, God, and knowing my circumstance is going to make me stronger.
Faith not hope - this is my new mantra.
Upbeat desi woman outsources herself from Minnesota to Manhattan in search of love, and finds something more...
2 comments:
Faith is more powerful than hope. I have heard both arguments: faith is NOW, hope is in future or that you have to have hope, i.e, you need to know what you want, to have faith, but I don't agree with them.
I think "hope" connotes doubt, faith does not.
I have faith that your heart and mind will guide you well.
Dear Sunny -
I too have heard both arguments and maybe it comes down to choice.
But I can say, for me, faith has saved me over and over again, so I believe in faith. And I agree hope does have an element of doubt and lack of control, you are sort floating without vision or direction.
Faith lets it be ambiguous yet moving forward.
xo,
Desi Girl
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