Wednesday, April 20, 2011


I am beginning to think, which is becoming more often than not, that I don’t know if I want children. I am closer to 40. A truth that I am willing to admit (sort of) but one that brings on full on panic. I know age is a number and I don’t feel like 40 (the next big one). I feel 32. But the age range I am entering, bearing healthy, normal children becomes an issue. I understand that Jane Seymour had twins at 43. But I am not a Hollywood starlet. I have a cousin with Down’s Syndrome and I don’t how my aunt does it. And when I am 70, I will have a 30 year old, that is a HUGE age difference.

It is not that I dislike children. On the contrary I adore them. My niece is so fantastic I want to hug and kiss her until I pass out from exhaustion. But to love a child, versus raising one, are two totally different things. And in New York? Raising kids seems like a contact sport if you are not rich. There is the issue of public schools. Dragging strollers into the subway. Walking up four flights of stairs. Maneuvering anorexic sidewalks.

Ten years ago, this would have been a VERY different conversation. Shoot even five years ago, I would not have given a man the time of day who did not want children.  I had my heart, mind and soul set on the suburban dream. Marrying my desi mate, who had some shiny graduate diploma tacked up to the wall  -- MBA, JD, PhD, MD, DDS; who sported a coordinating job title -- President, Director, Esquire, Chief of Staff, Leading Authority, Doctor. We’d acquire an outlandish residence -- preferably in a coveted zip code and grill tandoori chicken on a stately Weber. In the event then neighbors complained about the smell of spice getting caught in the wind and wafting into their backyards, I’d hire a contractor and install a fence to shield them.   

Then I moved to New York. And everything began to change. I shed the car, the backyard, and the suburbs. I never liked driving in the first place; I am a subway-bus-taxi kind of woman. What do I need a yard for? I don’t mow grass. I didn’t want a house; an apartment was more than enough for me. I am not the type of woman to fix my own sink. While I might be a great mother, I am not so sure that I want to be one.


Ula said...


I am Ula, from Poland. I found your blog while searching for blogs related
to the topic of mixed marriages/relationships.

Recently I started a website - a global forum for people in mixed

I am looking for contributors all over the world as I would like the website
to be a great sources of useful information.

If you like the idea, I will be happy to see your contribution! :-)

You will find the website here:

Have a great day!

Ula Razmuk

101 Bad Desi Dates said...

Hello Ula!

Thanks SO much for your note, I would love to contribute, what a great idea, thanks for thinking to include me.

Let me look up your website tonight when I get home from work.

Wishing you a great day too!

Desi Girl

101 Bad Desi Dates said...

Dear Sunny -

I cannot find your comment about kids and Sushmeeta Sen - so I will just pen a note that I agree with you. I think "it's complicated" is a better reply than "no".

I will give your suggestion some thought and you are SO right it is topic for another blog. My friend and I were JUST talking about this over the weekend. She's younger than me by 3 years I think, but entering the same boat.

I am not opposed to adoption. I am on the fence and something like this is a not to be taken lightly.

Thanks for your wise thoughts!
Ms. Desi

Anonymous said...

A very valid question to ask, and one, all women should ask.

A test I read about was to ask yourself how you would feel in various hypothetical scenarios, starting from worst case to best...and rate your responses - and ask the questions multiple times.

For example, your set may be
1. No kids at all, grow old without children in your home.
2. No biological children of your own, but you get to bring up or be around children - so children still in your life.
3. Unable to have biological children.

etc. etc.

Good luck...and yes, bring it up with potential mate, if things progress :) I did, with my husband, the first time we met - he wasn't sure, but didn't mind the thought - and I was sure I didn't want them! 9 years later, I changed completely - wanted bio-kids desperately - he was still ambivalent - like you, he loves kids and is great around them, but didn't feel any great need for ones of his own - anyway, we now have two :)


101 Bad Desi Dates said...

Dear M -

I do ask myself those questions all the time, to do a status check to see where I am at mentally and emotionally.

I am def going to ask a few more times, too. I am not sure if you read any of Sunny's comments but he asks similar questions and suggests letting things fall into place as an option, too.

I am def not going to rush into anything - and I do think that whatever happens, happens and is meant to be.

More on this FOR SURE!

Desi Girl