415. SUSTAINING MYSELF IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN LOVE

I may have mentioned – I majored in architecture – but I did it because it was expected of me. I really wanted to major in psychology – I wanted to help people with their problems, because the core of my nature is a relationship-building care-taker. And not care taker in the purely maternal sense, but in the sense take care of stuff – I get shit done.

However my parents thought the fields of medicine, accounting, law, engineering or architecture were better – professionally. I ruled out medicine since I don’t like blood. Since I am math challenged I ruled out engineering and accounting. Looking back – I could have been a lawyer, but I went with architecture.

About a year away from graduation I realized that I hated architecture. I was a dreadful designer and kept cutting my fingers with the exacto blade while building models late at night. But with one year to go for graduation there was no way I could change my major. Plus I liked lots of things about architecture – the history, the theory and actual practice of design – the long-range strategic ideals. I just didn’t really care about people’s door knobs and insulation – you know the details. 

So upon graduation and into the workforce I really didn’t spend much time designing. It was discovered that I could write well for a 22 year old, so I moved into administration, proposal writing, marketing, contracts and technical writing. And while none of it was fulfilling, I again liked the theory and strategy. Plus it was my family’s business and you can’t turn your back on family. There were times when I was 23, 25 and 27 that I wanted to move to New York – but my mother encouraged me to stay put, “Daddy needs” “We need you” “Desi Brother is starting college, Daddy really needs you” – so my inner Sita won and I stayed.

When I finally did move to New York years later, I stayed in the family business.

But now, as I am sitting here in the office listening to my brother explain the bleak forecast of work. The bleak economic downturn.  The bleak projection of design projects in the State of Minnesota, I get a pit feeling in my stomach. I worry that the office won’t be able to sustain three households (Dad’s, Desi Brother’s and mine).

And yes I have a tendency to react and perhaps over react – but as I do a gut check, I really think my architecture days are numbered. I now have a worry greater than finding a man to get married too, much less love. I have to actually really sustain myself, financially sustain myself in the Big Apple.