Thursday, December 15, 2011

517. I AM JUST BEING HONEST


Desi Girl: You’re mad. I understand that. But we’re supposed to be friends. I am just being honest. (Now why am I rambling on? The damage is done. I challenged him. Something he does not like. Let this unfold. Stop texting Desi Girl!!!)
Town and Country: I’m busy.
Desi Girl: Understand.
Town and Country: No, I mean I am really busy. Have a lot of stress.
Desi Girl: (Do not respond. Do not respond. Do not respond. You have picked a fight. You have never fought with him before. And you know he cannot stand being undermined, second guessed nor have his feet held to the fire. Do not respond. Do not respond. Do not respond.) Fine. I’m just being honest. (What the eff is wrong with you Desi Girl?)

Town and Country: My real friends don’t go after my weaknesses.

Ah! HERE WE GO! He KNOWS he was dick. He KNOWS a normal person with manners should have said something, anything. This is a power thing to him. But this is what normal people do thing for me.

Desi Girl: I am under NO circumstance going after your weakness. It hurt my feelings. I am just being honest. I thought it was a nice thing to do. I am sorry it bothers me. But it does. If we are supposed to be friends. I should be able to be honest with you. Or should I just keep my feelings and thoughts to myself?
Town and Country: Yes you can be honest. You know. I do lots of nice things for people. No one has ever done this to me.
Desi Girl: (What the eff is wrong with him? This is about ME. Not HIM. And I didn’t accuse him of insider trading. Now who is over reacting? What is he? Unstable?)
Town and Country: I don’t need this from you. I don’t need friends like you. If you need thank you then you can go.

Oh shit. Oh fuck. Oh shit. Oh fuck. Is this it? Is this the end? Oh. My. God. Did I push too hard? Did I really pick a fight that ended this? Is this really over. Are we over? If we were ever started. Is this the end? Oh shit. Oh fuck. Oh shit. Oh fuck. Everything is now moving in slow motion. The first few days of texts. Then our three dates in a row. Then silence. Then he was back. And then he was gone. And then he was back again. And then he was gone again. And now – he is gone. For good?

I don’t know when I started crying, but the screen of my Blackberry is wet from tears and snot. I wipe the screen against my fleece pants and squint at the keypad and type.

Desi Girl: Hello?

Silence. Seconds. Minutes. Five minutes. Ten minutes.

Desi Girl: Okay. Then. I will never bother you again.

I am racked with tears, sobbing. I wanted out. Now that I am out. Do I want back in? I don’t know right now. I just know that he yelled at me over text message and I need air. I need to get out of this shoe box apartment and breathe air. And a drink would be nice. But I don’t have any wine in the apartment and the wine shops closed four hours ago.

26 comments:

Anonymous said...

Oye kudi.. you're wasting tears on someone who doesn't deserve you.. get the crying out of the system..and when you're done.. I want you to know that I am SOO SOOO SOOOOO proud of you! you've FINALLY done something healthy for yourself.. so glad you've finally confronted that loser you're wasting your time with.. be strong! this is just the beginning.. I'm so happy for you cuz you're finally doing something healthy for yourself and letting go of this guy..he's not good for you.. he's a bad egg period. Buck up and maybe consider hanging out with some friends for a while? Meera? Siobhan? just for company.. :) Don;t waste another MINUTE or text with that idiot.. he is so useless..and in terms of humanity.. what a failure. You're sooo much better.. and you deserve wayyyyyy better! Good Riddance to him!

Cris. said...

Have you ever seen that How I Met Your Mother episode, "Hooked"?.I think this guy knows very well you like him(mutual physical attraction aside)and your situation reminds me of that episode somehow.

And I quote: "I'm into you, but can't be with you 'right now.'A euphemism for stringing along someone's interest in you until someone better is available."

I don't want to hurt you but after a long time reading your blog I'm kind of fond of you and the sooner you realize where you stand the better.

ElliottLake said...

I am so proud that you stood up for yourself. He is making me MAD. Instead of being a "real friend" as he puts it, and listening to you express a concern, he makes you feel like shit. And he knows it. He knows what he's doing to you and he knows that you're on the verge of crawling back.

For your own sanity, know this: he is emotionally abusive. He makes you feel guilty about expressing your feelings and then pulls an ultimatum knowing full well that it'll hurt you. He hurts you. On purpose. Because he's immature and narcissistic.

Oh my God, please, please, stay strong. Know that you deserve better. It is not YOUR fault that he wants to end a friendship; YOU did not end it--HE did. You expressed a valid concern, he ends a friendship. That's not logical. It's manipulative and childish.

WHY DO YOU LIKE HIM??????????

Sorry--I know, I know. These things are far more complex than we can express.

So stand up for yourself. If you need closure, or need to get things out--get it out. Tell HIM that "real friends" don't back out of friendships because someone raises a concern. Tell HIM, that YOU deserve more and expect more from friends because you have self-respect. If he wants to end a friendship because he is too weak to take criticism, then so be it.

I just want to shake sense into you--I know how difficult it must be, but honestly--the abuse you take from him drives me mad.

Read this! It puts things into perspective: http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/marcia-sirota/too-nice_b_946956.html

Dhak-Dhak Girl said...

This exchange reminds me of an emotionally abusive relationship I was in (apparently, it reminds Elliott Lake of emotional abuse too). It takes a lot of strength to do what you just did. No matter how painful it is, you don't want to make up with him. In my experience, you'll end up in an endless cycle of getting (justifiably) enraged at his behavior and cutting things but needing his validation and coming back. Please stay away from him. It took me two-and-a-half years to get out of my abusive, toxic relationship and I wouldn't wish that on anyone else, let alone DesiGirl.

Anonymous said...

This is wake up call time and it's all out there in black and white. Please just be done with this guy. To consider making a go of anything with him is a waste of time.

It's good though that you saw his behavior and character early enough before investing too much time in the relationship. And it's good that it did not get to the relationship stage.

I would reconsider even having him as a friend as this is not how friends should treat each other.

mybeadifullife said...

he is so insensitive. he doesn't deserve your time. it's unbelievable that he made this about him. i used to be in a relationship with an indian guy that did the same thing. it broke my heart, because i was in love with him, but he always seemed to make me feel bad and that it was my fault when my feelings were hurt. it was always somehow about him. its really hard. i'm so sorry that you are going through this.

Anonymous said...

After reading every ones bullcrap replies, which is all supportive and Oprah-Winfrey-esq type shit.

I thought I would give a guys insight into whats wrong with the pathetic comments and how retarded you yourself and the people who had replied to this episode of your blog are.

This guy never I mean never has promised you anything, he hasnt led you on, he hasnt even said that he likes you (openly). Hes only used your services as a somewhat of an Architect (you're not even that).

Hes taken you out to dinner and replied back to your emails or your text messages. Hes just flirted with you hear and there (there is no crime in flirting and just because a guy flirts with u doesn't mean he has to back it up, its the equivalent of a girl flirting with a guy and then the guy expecting some pussy in return).

Just because u are emotionally available doesn't mean that every other guy who shows interest in you has to be on the same level. I mean the guy sent you an email telling you that he doesn't believe in monongomey even said that he doesn't believe in marriage, but as retarded person u are, you still pursue hoping that he will knock on your door in the middle of the night and profuse his love to you (get a life).

You are not even on this guys level, you are not a peer professionally to him, you are not a peer to him educationally, you are not a peer to him financially, but yet you think this guy would be attracted to you on what grounds.
When I first started reading your blog, I thought this might be interesting (empowered desi smart american girl whos gonna do some exciting things) blog.

However it just reminds me now what your cousin from India has said (financial guy) that you should just pack your bags and move back home. It seems that your career is not all that, you don't make enough to even buy something in the other Boroughs let alone in Manhattan.

You have the inability to attract a guy or to even have a steady relationship. Your past 35 years old, so yes I know a lot of white women have kids later in life with older white men, but we all know the medical complications involved and the rise of autistic kids because of older men and older women

Anonymous said...

having kids can be attributed to this and other ailments that the poor kid has to suffer because his mother/father were selfish.

You cant even afford to pay for a decent gym. ($80 a month is not going to kill you), but you probably dont have much in the bank, try the New York Park and Recreation gym.

I haven't read anything in your blog about volunteering or being part of some hobby group.

You mentioned that the reason u started this blog was to catalogue your life and also perhaps go into writing.

You haven't written anything of value that someone would pay you a dime to read or even print. The publisher you mentioned said that you need to start writing columns or whatever, however you dont have to you can just write a novel (fiction or non fiction) and see if someone would bite (i.e. JK Rowling and that woman that wrote the Twilight sagas). I seriously doubt that you have the capability or the intelligence to even write a novel of interest.

Majority of guys dont want to get married and they dont want to have kids, like most women do. So it doesnt make men bad its just there lifestyle choice.

Also there was no connection between you and T&C apart from the fact that he wanted to fuck you, which u didnt want to do, because you want to fuck a guy only if there is a future, sorry babes but it doesnt work like that in this day and age.

Fucking a chick and marrying one are two different things. In your blogs you are also mentioning how many blazers he has and how much money he has it seems that was what u were attracted to so what if the guy had an english accent doesnt mean you are compatible, so what if the guy is successful, doesnt mean he should now have kids and get married.

Listen you were the one that got played not him, he just told to fuck off when u started to throw a hissy fit.

Anonymous said...

maybe he shouldve replied to u and said thanks, but to be honest thats a sign of him not really giving a shit about u, but like a dumb chick you are, u wanted to pursue.

I agree and he doesnt deserve you and it has to be some guys misfortune that he does.

You are the loser not him, he seems to be going about his life the way he wants.

101 Bad Desi Dates said...

Dear Anonymous,

There were several replies from anonymous, all of who are getting replied, this reply is for whoever began with this one, "After reading every ones bullcrap replies, which is all supportive and Oprah-Winfrey-esq type shit." --- don't mock what other people write. That is a total dick thing to do. You dont get to call it bullcrap no one is calling your reply bullcrap.

And are you actually reading what people are writing? Do you have any idea what emotional or physical
abuse is like? If you, and you wrote the comment above, it is not me who has problems, it is you. So again, dont mock what people write.

More soon.
DG

101 Bad Desi Dates said...

Dear Anonymous One -

THANKS! I know, crying will set me free. You need to purge the pain through tears. I did the same thing when I flipped off my bike when I used have a bike in the Minne and would go biking along the lakes and river.

I agree he is unhealthy for several reasons. And I am going to buck up and get some distance. I am spending some time in the COLD Minne with my family and my cutie-pie niece.

Thanks for your faith!
xo,
DG

101 Bad Desi Dates said...

Dear Cris -

I have not seen that episode, but yes I totally understand what you mean. Yes, I think he does know I like him and I am sure he likes that - and yes the sooner I realize this is a one way thing going no where the better I will be. It just sucks right now.

xo
DG

101 Bad Desi Dates said...

Dear ElliotLake -

First what a great name! You sound like a character on television or a novel from 1850!

Yes - I don't think he acted like a good friend. And yes I am 100% sure he knows this was stupid to do - not acknowledge something. Who does this?

And I did think what he did was a total jerk thing to do - but when I read the way you put the ultimatum - you are right, he turned this on me bc he did not want to acknowledge his miss, and who says it is a failure? He did it on purpose, knowing it would be hurtful and then he played the victim. Ack. Maybe this is the favor, the real gift from him.

LOL. Why do I like him? Bc when he is not an ass he is nice, but you are so right, in some way this is abuse. I dont put up with my other friends, I have broken up with "abusive friends" --- why shd be any different?

xo
DG

101 Bad Desi Dates said...

Dear Dhak-Dhak Girl -

That is awful - I am SOOO sorry to hear about that awful relationship. I think you are right we are in some sort of cycle. And you are right, I have to get out of it. In order to move on --- I need to go cold turkey for many reasons. One, is that I clearly like him more than he likes me. Two, there are 3 billion (approx) men on the planet, there as to be one that makes us ying and yang. Three, this is going to go no-where. Four, do I want to be with someone who cannot handle one less than flattering thing in two years? He is not only a little jerky, he is insecure. That is the WORST type. Bc insecure people try to knock you down in your strong parts.

xo
DG

101 Bad Desi Dates said...

Dear Anonymous who began with,

"maybe he shouldve replied to u and said thanks, but to be honest thats a sign of him not really giving a shit about u, but like a dumb chick you are, u wanted to pursue."

Thanks for comment. I dont think I am dumb, I think I am human and liked the wrong guy - but thanks for your completely unfeeling comment. I made a mistake in liking the wrong guy. You are right though - he is going about his life and I should do the same.

xo,
DG

101 Bad Desi Dates said...

Dear Anonymous who began with having kids can be attributed to this and other ailments that the poor kid has to suffer because his mother/father were selfish.

Okay – let's go here --- do you know how many people live in New York who cannot afford it? Do you know how many people OWN apts in New York and cannot afford them? The city is filled with the aspiring, the hopeful, the faithful the dreamers. Which is what I am. This is why I am staying here. Yes, not having money sucks some days, yes it is stressful, yes I wonder if I should leave. But I am not chicken shit. If I was chicken shit I would not put up this blog, and write boldly, without concern for the nay-sayers and disbelievers. And if you hate what I write, you don’t have to read. It is okay.I am not scared of a challenge, I am not backing down, and I am not done until I say I am done. Does that answer your question?

Next, I don’t understand your comment about having kids at the top of your email. I don’t think I have said kids was mandatory for me. I don’t who is selfish here.

And I guess everyone is a critic, but I will let an agent and publishing house decide if I talent and can make a go for it. And I have met with people about this project, and I am taking a writing class, workshopping and building something viable. And I live here bc I want to be a writer and the exposure to writers, agents and classes is infinitely greater than the Midwest – so I am staying, poor or not. Anything worth having is worth working for. Just because I whine and complain according to some comments (bc what the have not complained about something in their life?!) – I am putting my heart, soul and all into something – how many other people can REALLY say that? How do you fuel your passion?

And you know what – any guy can get laid in New York. If he wanted to get laid, he should have gone to Vegas or Christopher Street. And you know what I do want to get married to THE ONE. And I don’t have to give it away. I shd not have to be a whore to become a wife. And there are people out there who feel the same way. I shouldn’t have to sleep around to get a guy – is that how you are? That is gross. And that is FINE if he doesn’t want to get married. When did I say otherwise?

AND OMG --- really? I liked him bc he was rich? I had no idea when I responded to his profile, or did you miss that part in the post? Do you know how many times it was suggested to me that I do sleep with him and manipulate him into having to take care of me? Do you know how many men are married bc a woman tricked them into marriage by getting knocked up by sexing them? These people are gross and I am not like them --- not sure where you drew that conclusion, but you are incorrect. I am not a golddigger. GOOD LORD, way to be OFF the mark there.

DG

Anonymous said...

Okay lets go here—do you know how many people live New York and cannot afford it.
Uhm, you are one of those delusional people who think that living anywhere 20 minutes outside of Manhattan is some loser ville, you were living in Washington Height which is a dump ok.
You probably lived farther away then most people who live in Queens, Brooklyn or in Jersey. Yes it is possible to buys a studio or a one bedroom for 200k in these neighborhoods, so cut the bull crap on that one.
Next, aspiring and hopeful, u write a freaking blog, its that not aspiring, if you were taking workshops or classes (which is good thing) why are you not showing your work. We don’t expect a 400 page novel, even a short story or a draft few chapters will give u chance to share your work, which you obviously haven’t done. So we don’t know how much u are really getting out of these workshops that you are taking.
So you’re not chicken shit ok so that is admirable, so what is the challenge here i.e. paying your rent, staying sane going through as many bottles of wine. You want to be a writer but again you haven’t published anything on your blog.
The Kids thing I think that’s what T&C said that is the point of marriage and I guess he has point, if you do not want to have kids then why are u pushing for marriage I don’t understand and I don’t think neither did he.
Again you mention about wanting to be a writer, but again we don’t see any work, even a few 100 words would be start (that’s if u can do that).
So the guy wanted to have sex with you, uhm I think that is normal ( and u don’t even have to be a decent looking girl). If you had slept with him I don’t think it would’ve made a difference and I think he is one of those guys who does not compromise his life.
Sorry but a guy doesn’t need to go to Vegas or Christopher st (and how dare u insult Christoper st its great street) a guy doesn’t need to sleep with hookers to get a one night stand, it can be easily done by meeting a girl at work, the gym, on the train.
You live in 1950’s and u think being a prude is some great quality, honestly u come across this old fashioned SPINSTER who is too bitter and twisted to even attract a guy.
I mean how long has ur blog been going on for, and how many serious relationship have u had ( these are the ones in real life not in ur head).
I don’t think u can even keep a man for a year let alone have him marry you.
Sorry but u need to look at urself in the mirror because it seems that ur life is not really going anywhere

101 Bad Desi Dates said...

Dear Anonymous who began with,
"Okay lets go here—do you know how many people live New York and cannot afford it.
Uhm, you are one of those delusional people who think that living anywhere 20 minutes outside of Manhattan is some loser ville, you were living in Washington Height which is a dump ok."

Fine, here we go – I am not delusional. Pay attention here – I have under NO circumstance said anywhere out of Manhattan is Loser-Ville – I know those people – I don’t have that attitude, so get that straight. I used to leave the island to meet up for lunch in Queens or visit friends in Brooklyn. If I did have that attitude I would have never moved to WH, nor would I have defended it when my friends in the Village were leave Siberia or the Suburbs which is what WH was called to my face. And I did not say that you cannot buy a place for $200K – so get that straight too. And while you are at stop making shit up that I never said. I said people are living beyond their means.

Okay – it is a blog. And? It is 500 words a 5 times a week on average. It is not my writing project, it is one part of my writing. And how exactly do you what I am doing? And you are basing what I do off of 2500 words a week? So you have no idea if I ran a marathon or take spin class or enjoy zumba right? I mean – really – it’s a blog. Do you KNOW that I take cooking lessons? And I need to show YOU my chapters? I don’t even know how the hell you are. I am not justifying my workshopping to you – I have a instructor, a really one who has published booked, has a great track record, is an amazing instructor and classmates – so I am don’t just fine on that front. You don’t KNOW me, so you don’t get decide if I am aspiring or not. I am not using the blog to pay bills. It was something I was going to do for a little while, but to supplement that I take the classes.

Look – I get it, some men and some women don’t want to get married that is fine. Some folks don’t want kids fine. I want to get married. That is it. I am justifying that. Nor am I justifying being a prude. I don’t live in the 1950s – you have no idea on this. And fine I edit my comment - you can find hookers and calls girls and escorts in a variety of places.

And you can think what you want – if it makes you feel better to name call and call me bitter, spinster, whatever fine – it doesn’t matter – it is not true. Have I made mistakes, yes. But I don’t need to look in the mirror but thanks for the suggestion.

DG

101 Bad Desi Dates said...

Dear Anonymous who began with, "After reading every ones bullcrap replies, which is all supportive and Oprah-Winfrey-esq type shit."

Yes , you are right he had not promised anything. Fine he is flirting openly and with emptiness, I actually like him so his flirting is not so good for me – so fine.

Re: architect, are you normally a jerk? Or are you trying to imply something? I NEVER said I was an architect. I know a lot about the field, but cannot sign off on drawings, which is the real difference between me and an architect. Can I consult in architecture, which is what I was doing. Yes. And he is the one that called me an architect? Shd I have corrected him? Maybe.

So I liked a guy who didn’t like me back. I guess we should as lucky as you who knows when to cut losses and go. But I didn't. I liked him. I am not the only person on the planet who fell for someone who didn’t fall back for them. I guess you have to take the experience and apply it forward.

I am not going to pack my bags, thanks for the suggestion, but you don’t know me and I still have some pluck left in me. And WOW – did you really just make that crappy comment about white women?

DG

101 Bad Desi Dates said...

Dear my beadful life -

Thanks for your note and comment. Seems like I have set off a conversation here. There are those who sympathize and those who don't!!!

And yes - it is way clear that I am more into him than he is into me. I have had several people tell me it is better to have someone like you more than you like them - but that seems so false to me. But he is insensitive. Oh well. I dont disagree with some of the comments that I should not waste my time.

xo,
DG

101 Bad Desi Dates said...

Dear Anonymous who began with, "This is wake up call time and it's all out there in black and white. Please just be done with this guy. To consider making a go of anything with him is a waste of time."

Yes. Agree. Wake up call. I have made many mistakes with this guy. Friendship def being one of them - and yes, this is not how friends shd treat one another. I have stopped talking to friends be they have mis-treated the relationship. He really shd be no different, in fact he shd be less different.

xo,
DG

Anonymous said...

Dear condescending Anonymous commenter who mentioned Oprah/bullcrap/yadda yadda,

Would you please mind your language? Your comment (comments?) are incredibly abrasive and belittling. I'm not Desi Girl, but even I flinched reading your comment(s).

Don't you go calling people "retarded" [you can't even spell monogamy properly and I spotted several grammatical errors in your post - "profuse his love" (?)]


Desi Girl, chin up! Don't let what the annoying anonymous commenter said get to you.

xoxo,
Long-time reader who commented once about dating an investment banker :)

101 Bad Desi Dates said...

Dear All -

Sorry for all the typos in my comments yesterday. I had a lot of comments to respond to!

xo,
DG

101 Bad Desi Dates said...

Dear Anonymous who once date the investment banker -

I do remember you! :) and thanks so much for your comments on all fronts. Dont worry a couple of (or one angry person) is not enough to knock me down. I got pluck and spunk. Chin is up!

I am pretty appalled at the comments considering some of the commenters were talking about tough situations they were rebounding back from.

xo
DG

Anonymous said...

Good question. How many serious relationships have you had? It is been a long blog, but doesnot look like you had one good serious long relationship. Everybody slowly settles down one after another, but it seems you are not. You may have to look inside you what exactly you want and you don't want and think about it seriously how to remain happy and keep others happy.

101 Bad Desi Dates said...

Dear Anonymous,

Depends what you are defining as serious, I define it as 6+ months, in which case 7. Eight if you include Reindeer who I was serious about, but was only four months. I am into long term monogamy. Longest relationship was 3.5 years. Didnt work out bc he cheated on me - he has no idea why. We're friends now.

I am happy. And plenty of folks in my life are happy too.

DG