Monday, December 19, 2011

520. DELETE, DELETE, DELETE


I wake up the next morning. My eyes have puffed shut. I must have cried myself to sleep. I blink several times. My contacts have fused to my eyeballs so not only do my eyes hurt, they are blurry slits for seeing.  I stumble across the apartment to the bathroom. I cannot even brush my teeth because I cannot see anything. I grope around the linen closet and find drops and release half a dozen drops into each eye, until I can blink sight back into my life.

I brush my teeth, brew coffee and grab my phone. I re-read the series of texts, I re-live the cutting slices against my feelings. It is okay. This is not the first boy who did not like me back. This is the first not boy or girl for that matter, that wasn’t a great friend. This is not the first relationship in my life that has not worked out.

It does strike me that I gave him a lot more chances, because he was Indian. It does strike me that I most probably have not tolerated this from a non-Indian guy. It does strike me that me I should have just said no a long time ago. It does strike me that I am colorblind everywhere else in my life, why not in my lovelife?

Okay. Fine. This was a mess. I need to move the hell on. One by one I delete his emails, text messages and finally his phone number. For a moment I consider writing down his phone number, in case he calls or texts again, so I can remember who not to respond to.

But you know what, God and Ganesh willing, he won’t contact me. God and Ganesh willing, I can just get over this and start anew. A new year is coming – one filled possibility. So I should grieve and cry, let it out, cut myself some slack and start over.

46 comments:

Anonymous said...

xxx Desi Girl
Life can change very quickly

Wishing you smiles, happiness and laughter xxxxx

Milly xx

Anonymous said...

I don't get it, u are crying ur eyes out over a realationship that never existed, was nothing more then a few text message that he sent once in a blue moon, you were never intimate with him emotionally or physically (unless u consider sharing a salad).

I think if ur family read ur blog they would be emarrassed for you. Like what a screwed up person you are. It seems to be a running trend that no decent successful guy actually finds u attractive in any way whatsoever.

I think u r melodramatic person, who has so much baggage that u need to see therapist, you are a 40 something year old woman who has never been a relationship.

101 Bad Desi Dates said...

Dear Milly -

Thanks! Yes - life can change. I am accepting the smiles, happiness and laughter.

xo
DG

101 Bad Desi Dates said...

Dear Anonymous -

I disagree with you on several accounts, I am not screwed up, etc. My family is reading (cousins, brother, sis-in-law) and their friends are reading and my friends are reading and friends of family, etc. are ready and sorry to disappoint no one is embarrassed.

I do not agree with you - I have not idea why I am this upset over someone like this. I can say that while he has never committed or admitted anything -- he has gone back and forth enough to give me hope --- false hope. And I have refrained from sharing some of those things because his private thoughts should be kept private. It has been a fine line that I have tried to balance with what about him I share.

My mistake was having an idea of what I wanted and thinking I was finding it but then not --- I have been trying to shove a square peg into a round hole for a long time. And it is one thing to admit to doing this - it is another to make the change.

More soon.
DG

Lovely said...

I really wish a certain anonymous poster would get a life and stop using this forum to air his toxic energy. Terrible use of time, and really sad too. Really!

Desi Girl: so painful to read these past few posts. I've been in situations (haven't we all?) where you think back and realize that you should have ended things you should have said this, you should have said that. And you've got all of these questions. And sometimes, instead of feeling that pain, you want to go back for more pain. It's akin to being hungover and not wanting to feel those feelings, so drinking to escape them. Makes no sense but happens all of the time.

Town and Country seems like a narcissistic, pretentious fool. And he clearly was stringing you along and playing some twisted game.

I've never been someone who doesn't answer phonecalls or refuses to respond to texts. But there are certain folks you encounter that deserve radio silence.

Town and Country is one of them. I would block his number (I know it seems like the hardest thing you could do, but I've used that method to rid myself of toxic blokes and nothing works better...hopefully you have Verizon) and only then will you be able to heal.

Stay strong!

Anonymous said...

It's a great your blog can't wait to see which guy you going to move on to next, its like another car crash, waiting to happen

Anonymous said...

I see loads of people in a relationship either married or non married. I don't understand how this one person can have so much trouble in finding one person, I think there is something wrong with this person. Maybe instead of faulting the men maybe she is at fault. Damaged goods, anyone?

101 Bad Desi Dates said...

Dear Anonymous who posted "I see loads of people in a relationship either married or non married. I don't understand how this one person can have so much trouble in finding one person, I think there is something wrong with this person. Maybe instead of faulting the men maybe she is at fault. Damaged goods, anyone?" ---

I dont know if you are one person, or several person, or a village --- I have no issue with disagreements or opinions. But the use of your tone, and your anger - I would suggest that it is YOU not me who is damaged and delusional.

I think this is now the third person who has asked you to refrain from the toxic comments.We shd all be as lucky as you to have never screwed up, loved, liked the wrong person, etc. However, then you probably have not lived boldly - and I have.

I have never deleted a comment, but your tone, comments and overall rudeness are out of control.

I have had friends email me and ask me to delete your comments. But I am like whatever, you guys are just upset bc you love me. But now that I am seeing how you offend folks - I am not asking you (and anyone else fueled with anger or whatever you have going on) to consider your comments or else I will delete them.

Understand that you are not being deleted bc of what you write, it is the manner and tone in which it is done.

Please respect the others who you are offending.

DG

101 Bad Desi Dates said...

Dear Anonymous -

It IS like a car crash, ha! More coming!

xo
DG

101 Bad Desi Dates said...

Dear Lovely,

What a lovely name too! I love it Lovely.

Yes, I agree I wish a certain someone wld stop with the toxic too. I was emailing with a friend JUST now and said there are some nasty comments and he, a married man, said they are down right mean.

So I addressed Toxic and asked to stop with it, or I will delete it. This person has managed to offend a wide variety of folks and enough is enough.

I have no issue with discourse, but rudeness is out of control. Oops, I just re read my comment to Toxic and see that I have a typo.

And yes - they are painful to write and think about and I think your metaphor of the hung over is very poignant, perhaps you shd write a blog too! He is smart and has built his company for something and maybe that rogue and bravado that makes him a success at work bleeds into his real life and affects his personal relationships.

I too am not an avoider, and I think you may be right about radio silence. That hasn't worked with him before, but I shd try it. This stringing along is not working. I have AT&T - I am sure there is a way to block, maybe that is what I should do. Then I will never know he is writing and he will never know I am not seeing it and then technology will fill in the radio silence.

xo,
DG

Anonymous said...

Just curious, but what was t&c's reason for not commiting

Anonymous said...

I think you really have to forget TC and move on. Seems like you were harping and pining for him for a few months and building castles in the sky. Does not appear like he led you on so why are you so upset? And there was not interaction, only a dinner, some texts, and some work you did for him as a client. That's all. Why the big fuss and heartbreak?

He seems very well accomplished and successful. What do you have to offer? Seems like you are still struggling with finances and not very together for your age in terms of relationships, career etc.

MCL said...

Hi 101:

I have been reading all the comments flying back and forth in the last few posts and wanted to take a minute to check-in with you. I hope that you are doing okay. I can't believe the things this commenter who is lashing out and trashing you is saying. Stay strong because there are those of us who may not know you personally but support your efforts here and enjoy reading what you write. Clearly this male commenter has NO CLUE what it is like to date DESI MEN in NYC. I do and what you write about your experiences here are similar to the experiences I have had as well. Upon reading this person's comments I wondered if this was someone who has some personal vendetta or something against you because his comments seem so fueled with anger and criticism and vitriol. But then again the internet is a place full of strange people who utilize it to purge their negativity and F*cked Up psychological issues instead of seeking out the help he or she clearly needs.

Stay safe.
MCL

101 Bad Desi Dates said...

Dear Anonymous who wrote "I think you really have to forget TC and move on. Seems like you were harping and pining for him for a few months and building castles in the sky. Does not appear like he led you on so why are you so upset? And there was not interaction, only a dinner, some texts, and some work you did for him as a client. That's all. Why the big fuss and heartbreak?"

I almost deleted you, but in case you are not Toxic Commenter Person, I thought -- let me reply. I disagree with you on all accounts, namely he did lead me on and why dont you ask him what I had to offer? I had plenty to offer and I have plenty to offer, to the RIGHT man. He is clearly not right. Do I wish I knew this sooner? Sure. Is there hope for me, heck yea!

DG

Anonymous said...

I agree with MLC in that most of us who read you love what you read and support you and even care about you..

That crazy Anonymous must be an extremely unhappy person to behave so nastily..Either you rejected him/her or he/she is unhappliy married or unable to find someone who would put up with their disgusting personality.

I went through similar situations to you when I was dating men (including indians) and it was not until I cut all ties with the last crazy man that I was then able to fall in love with my now wonderful husband..

Milly xxx

Anonymous said...

Dear Desi Girl,

I could not help but notice all the diabolical comments coming from the 'anonymous' commenter

To the anonymous commenter: Get a life and if you hate desi girl that much and her life, make it easy on urself and don't read about it.

Back to DG: I am so proud of you for putting it all out there. The only thing I gotta say is that it takes a lot of guts and it is not easy for everyone to admit these things let alone in a public blog forum. I commend you for that. However, both well wishing readers and somewhere in your heart even you were well aware of how things would end with T&C and he should have been avoided like the plague from day 1.

However, speaking from experience, I have done something really similar when I was all alone couped up in a new city and a guy gave me all the attention, strung me along, all the while aware of my interest and then swooped in and went for my best friend. Now, when i look back, i cringe at how i was taken advantage of and how it was NOT all me being stupid as it might be so easy to assume.

This guy strung you along, loving the attention from you and keeping you as an option, but disposable if you so far as even uttered a word. Someone who truly cares about you would NEVER do that to you. Relationship is a two way street, it is not about keeping one person happy and feeling perfect while the other person suffers emotionally. This too shall pass I promise.

However, without being too critical (you have had enough with Mr. anonymous already), i cant help but wonder if living with your family too long, working in the family business and then forced to work at home in more of a secretarial position (as you describe in one of your earlier posts) has hurt your self-confidence in relationships. While you did the right thing by breaking away from Minneapolis and starting over in NY, I wonder if some of the old world stuff passed along from male-dominated societies such as us Indians has stayed in you and is still hurting you in your ability to say NO to bad boys such as T&C.

Since I actually lived in India with my parents till 18, it wasnt really until much later, i broke out of the old world womanly expectations and have come into my own after long years of self-introspection. While i do think staying close to family is good, it may be time to sever ties with the family business and start your own (whatever it is, i bet you will do well). Just my 2 cents from an avid reader. You can take it or leave it.

Much love and hugs, heal well,

Another desi girl in texas

101 Bad Desi Dates said...

Dear MCL ---

You are too kind and sweet --- and yes I am completely fine, emotionally, mentally and physically. I am completely behind in all aspects of life bc the commenting to the posts has taken a life of their own.

I was talking to Desi Brother today who told me he had to stop reading the comments bc he did not have the time and was disgusted with Toxic Commenting person. But yes I do appreciate everyone of you who is less than pleased with the toxic comments. Clearly that person is not my audience nor friend or possible friend.

I have no idea what has spawned this person and their comments, and I dont know who this is. But you are so right that the internet is filled with different folks. And going forward I am just going to delete the way out of hand comments or not reply. It is like rewarding an unruly child. I only have a finite amount of time too and want to comment to the comments that are worth commenting to - and since this is my blog - I get to decide that. I am deeply disappointed that so many have been subjected to these off the wall comments. UGH, but whatever onward and upward.

And yes --- I am also thankful to you and those like you who read and get it and have been in the same boat, etc.

I am perfectly fine and safe. More soon!

xo
DG

101 Bad Desi Dates said...

Dear Anonymous who wrote "Just curious, but what was t&c's reason for not commiting" --

You know what --- I have NO idea. I never asked and I never wondered until now. You pose an excellent question. I would guess --- he would say nothing mattered to him other than his work. And I think that is great, working and having something to be passionate about. But what is the point of working that hard and caring about something that much if there is no one to share it with?

Just my two cents!

xo
DG

101 Bad Desi Dates said...

Dear Milly --

You like MCL, are way too sweet and kind --- and I know what you mean and I know you are there and I know you are rooting for me. And while Anonymous was ranting, I knew it was one person (or I assume one person, could be more than one person, could be a village) ... I have no idea who this person is, so I dont know where this anger and madness is coming from. I dont doubt you!

Thanks for the kind words, dont worry it will take more than that to knock me down :)

More soon, I promise!!!
xoxo
DG

101 Bad Desi Dates said...

p.s. Milly --- I heard you on the cutting ties with crazy in order to move on. Working that into my plan for moving on.

101 Bad Desi Dates said...

Dear another desi girl in Texas,

HIYA! How are you? I am hoping well. Thanks for your note on all accounts. I dont understand this person. I agree with you, if this person hates me or the blog --- stop reading!

You strike on many things that I think about all the time. I think that yes, I am not surprised it ended this way. I wonder if I picked the fight --- I wonder if I knew this would never work. I wonder what I knew that was not thought about. Yes well --- I did not avoid the Plague now did I? I do tell myself (to be included in today's post that I am working on while responding to comments) is that sometimes you have to learn from the bad one and spend time/date a bad one in order to really appreciate the good one --- that is what I am hoping I can put into action.

You are also very articulate in explaining what happened to you regarding being taken advantage, it does not only happen in romantic relationships --- and yes, all relationships are two way streets.

And LOL - you are not critical, and I am always open to hearing diverse perspectives. And you raise excellent points with your observations on the family overload, more soon on that as the blog pov is shifting with a focus more on what you describe, breaking thru that last chain that binds. Not totally away from dating, but this thing with T&C is a massive wake-up call to get back to what I seek. The dates will come back --- promise --- just need to put the focus back on DG.

More soon - thanks for the love, and hugs and care! I am fine, I am plucky! :)

xo
DG


xo
DG

Anonymous said...

Im just reading the comments, so you are saying that you are crying your eyes out over what again???

So the conversation never went that far between you and him. But yet on the blog it seems that you are very assertive in your responses.

You might think that its a good thing that you are getting loads of comments, but in reality nobody has a clue what exactly went on between you and T&C apart from a few text messages and a couple of dinner dates.

So this guys biggest crime is that he gave you hope. I guess because a successful good looking guy talks to you, it gave you validation of some sort.

Whats with the filmy drama and the melodramatic crying. How does this constituent as abusive relationship when this guy is not even in town most of the time.

I know this blog is an outlet for your writing but in all it just making you look bad. Someone who is not charge of there own facility
nor their finances.

T&C is getting a lot of hate and I notice a lot of women referring to him narcassitc and selfish, I dont really see anything of the sort apart from he was focused on his work.

I think maybe you should take a leaf out of his book and focus on your career.

I think there was one anonymous person who had advised you to share your writing, not because that person wants to proof read it but perhaps he/she is interested in your work

I think your heart is in the right place but your head is abit messed up. Sorry to say it.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

If T&C is a bastard because of giving false hope what does that say about Obama

Anonymous said...

maybe he just did not share it with you

Anonymous said...

Hey Nasty Anonymous,

Kindly post a link to your personal blog so that we can pick the SH*T out of you.

No one once said all desi men are one particular way. My husband is desi (pakistani) and (to me) he is the most wonderful man on the planet.

You need to find an outlet for all this hate you have in you.

Looking forward to reading your blog.

Love and kisses

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
101 Bad Desi Dates said...

I was very clear. I will delete the nasty posts.

It you want to disagree that is fine, if you want to take your wrath and your life's misfires out on me, forget it.

I have been very patient and tolerant with your trantrums, but enough is enough.

DG

Anonymous said...

Somebody has rightly commented that your heart is on the right spot, but your head is all messed up. Please dont take advise from these women who is asking to carry on with smile and chin up from one encounter to another encounter as they themselves don't understand what you are going through and getting some entertainment out of you. Please don't, it will ruin your life. Please take control of your head and you will be fine. I don't want to hear another car crash and you end up all melodramatic again for nothing. Choose good friends who give you bold and wise advise, rather than using you as an entertainment.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
101 Bad Desi Dates said...

Hey, dude, really? I am deleting you -- was I not clear?

And do not get nasty with commenters who disagree with you. Y

And what investment bank do you work in that you have this much time to comment?

DG

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
101 Bad Desi Dates said...

Again you have been deleted.

I have no issue with comments and or feedback, but have you read the tone and content and language used by the angry commenter? I have gotten plenty of critical comments. It is the rude, mean ones that I and others take offense to.

And who are you pontificating for? You get a deluge of requests to stop with the hate, yet you find more and more nasty to fire back with.

DG

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Damini said...

Deleting the toxic posts doesnot delete the toxic truth in your life. Dont get all defensive and take it in a positive attitude. People are trying to be brutally honest, making you realise yourself, your situation for your own good (may be they actually care for you, rather than praising for your mistakes). If you are intelligent, you will take it and apply it in your life. Dont make them look like giving advise to you is like playing a red flute in front of a bull and expect it to dance.

101 Bad Desi Dates said...

Dear Damini -

Have you read the tone and use of language in the toxic posts? I dont think I nor anyone else has to read someone using vulgar language and hate speak. So those comments will be deleted.

Comments that offer no value like the ones that have be deleted, will be deleted and continue to be deleted. So spare me your sanctimony there, and I ask you, do they not offend you? I agree with you --- that some of the comments are meant to help --- that is great. But there is some sort of woman hating tone in that person's comments that I wont tolerate.

If had I fear or worry or concern, I would have never put this out there. I have never said dont post, I read many of the comments and respond honestly. Some of the previous comments have been tough love and look in the mirror sister. But they are not laced with venom and hate --- and I wont put up with that.

Because all that you all see is what I tell you, I understand how and why the comments can be "get a grip" "you need therapy" etc.

I am not the type to brag, I am not the type to detail in great length my accomplishments, I am funny, witty, sarcastic. I make fun of myself because I am confident that I will get to where I am going when I get there, Clearly that time is not here. When the time comes --- I will be ready. For all those of you have never made a mistake, that is great for the rest of us, here is something that lots of people relate to.

And for those of you who think I drink too much, am fat and do nothing --- here is some of the stuff that I dont share. I do volunteer alot - I have won three service awards. I am very helpful to my friends and family --- I dont go on about it, bc why would anyone care about that? I take spin classes, lots of them and many times double spin. I like art and walking tours. Bc the blog is two years behind, you would not know this but I have a great job. I work like mad, but it is high level and my boss are get on like goodness. But God forbid anyone wait to learn these things, or even think that there is more to me. Well done on being jaded, I am not jaded. I am honest.

This blog is supposed to be funny and serious. This blog is about liking and pining for the wrong guy. I am not using it to attack men with hate. I dont hate men.

I have tons of male friends --- really really good ones, who are like family.

So seriously --- stop with the hate, or I will just keep deleting. I am posting ~2500 words a week, if you dont there is WAY more going on than that --- well there is not much I can do.

And as far as going on the defense, have you read the comments? It is not defense so much as letting someone know that they are behaving like a loon. Someone once asked if my parents are embarrassed of me, I would like to ask the same about the person writing with such hate. Would your parents be pleased with you?

DG

Anonymous said...

Desi Girl,
I just have to say I am appalled by the turn this has taken. I admire you for putting your thoughts and feelings out there. I thought we were out of school-guess not!

I have discussed your blog with several friends and we ALL have had our own T&C. It happens in dating and so many of us have been there. Somtimes you need to go through it to find the ONE. I could see it right away because I have been there and now am married to a great guy.

People would say this to me a lot (and it annoyed me some, but there is truth) your time will come. This was a learning experience.

I jus wish there was a dislike button for the posts so we could dislike his posts. LOL

I am sure your family is proud and your cousin has told more than once how proud she is of you!

Happy Holidays to you!!!

101 Bad Desi Dates said...

Dear Friend of my cousin,

I know you know about having a T&C -- I know lots of women who have had one. I dont know that is something to get all crabby about. Props to the peeps who have never made a mistake --- for the rest us who have living out loud and stomping around, it is good too to survive the mistakes.

I dont know how this got all out of control. I love the people who are like "do be happy bc you get nice comments" .... okay, why not? Hai merei jaan!

But I do sincerely thank you for your note. You will have to tell my cousin I said what up!

I believe you that my time will come. I believe that there will be more to it than this. I believe, whatever doesnt kill you, makes you stronger.

xo,
DG

Anonymous said...

No parents are embarrassed of their child, however they child is, even if they are missing a limb or the child have mental illness or on a wheel chair. But parents are the only one who can guide you properly (some do and some don't) if they want you to succeed in life. At the end, it is your life, not theirs (atleast that's why I have been told from my parents)and live and make your life and the partners life happy.

Everybody makes mistakes, if you make it more than twice, it is not a mistake, it is a habit. So chill up nobody is asking you to be perfect without mistakes, but just be normal rather than in denial of your complicated personality. Nobody hates you or expecting bad for you, instead are trying to help you and will be happy for you if you change yourself a little bit. Then things will not be so complicated for you and you will find your partner much easily.

101 Bad Desi Dates said...

Dear Anonymous who wrote "No parents are embarrassed of their child, however they child is, even if they are missing a limb or the child have mental illness or on a wheel chair. But parents are the only one who can guide you properly (some do and some don't) if they want you to succeed in life. At the end, it is your life, not theirs (atleast that's why I have been told from my parents)and live and make your life and the partners life happy." -- thanks for your note, I hear what you are saying. It makes sense, however you read the comments? They were not coming from a place of support. And if that is someone's idea of support it does not gel with my style. Sorry if I have already responded to you about this --- I cannot tell who the diff anonymous people are.

xo,
DG

101 Bad Desi Dates said...

All - I am logging off the night. I will try to comment to all the posts when I can!

xo
DG

Dhak-Dhak Girl said...

"Bc the blog is two years behind..." Desi Girl, what does that mean? Are you posting about things that happened 2 years ago, and if so, did you write the posts closer to when they happened, or now, two years late?

You also mentioned that the blog is shifting its point of view, as though it was planned. Sometimes the real-life events in your posts are so perfectly scripted that I felt like I was reading a novel. (And that's a testament to your writing skill). Is this one? And if not, is it your retrospective on two years ago? Are you using it as a writing exercise for your career? (I guess that could be true whether you're in-the-moment or not).

If it is two years old, all commenters' advice on jobs and T&C is badly outdated.:P I'm curious why you decided to do a retrospective blog.