Sunday, January 15, 2012


Meera and I are eating at Meridana. The Upper West Side Italian place we dined at just before her daughter was born. Unlike last time, this time nothing I order seems to be available. All the specials are no longer available. The pasta dishes that I want are no longer available either.

“Okay, well then I need a minute,” I tell the waiter. If you can believe he SIGHS at me, then makes a face. Excuse me? Is he for real? Nothing I want to eat is available, and I am not that fussy. I just don’t eat beef and I am not in the mood for one of the fish dishes that he trying to shove down my gullet. I am sure the fish dishes are over $30 too, which is probably why he is pushing them. After he leaves, darkness cascades across my face. I can feel it and see it in Meera’s face. “Don’t let him ruin our night,” she says. “It’s just, well, he…” I mutter. I know she is right. Why I am letting someone who just lost their tip get under my skin is unknown to me.

“So tell me about dating. Have you heard from Town and Country?” Meera asks. Ugh. Because it was embarrassing and slightly humiliating to be yelled at via text message by a guy who I clearly liked and lusted after more than he for me. I sort of just tucked the Town and Country Finale away.  I just didn’t want to think about it or deal with it anymore so I just didn’t really tell anyone right away.  And since he had exited stage right, or left, or just exited out. What did it matter?

And now that I have had some time with my thoughts, I wonder what was so attractive about him that he was like an obsession, like a drug. I mean sure he was smart, funny, witty, self-deprecating. And there was something sexy about him and physically attractive. He had a decent body. He did have hairy knuckles, which never bothered me. But he could also be a jerk. A total a-hole when he felt like it. I know it was not his money. If I wanted to be with him because he was rich I know I would have done insane things to catch his attention. Maybe it was as simple (and sad) as wanting what I could not have. I don’t know. I don’t know how this happened.

I really have to stop throwing myself under a bus and vow that this will never happen to me again. No more taking advantage of Desi Girl. Maybe I should take every opportunity I have to disclose what transpired between Town and Country and I. Maybe having to hear how dumb I was will shake me back into my senses.

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