Siobhan once said to me, that if I wanted to be married, I would be. And that the reason I am not married is because somewhere deep inside or subconsciously I don’t want to be married. This is what I am thinking and re-thinking as I pay the sushi delivery man and try to determine how I came to be attracted to Town and Country.
I mean I am a realist. I live in the real world. I live in real time. I don’t have false illusions about myself. I am shy of 5’-3”, this is why I fluff my hair and am a slave to high heels, despite the havoc they create for my feet. I know loyalty is my best and worst quality. I know that I love openly, and expect nothing in return. There is a dark side to this blind love and adoration. Because I have a REALLY long fuse, and I tolerate a lot of nonsense in relationships when I care about someone, things that the average person would not, but when I hit the no point of return, then I have no issue in cutting someone loose. And when I hit that point, I know I can be ugly and say things that cut. And I mean for my words to cut. Balance is something I have yet to learn. I gain and lose the same 10 pounds annually.
So I cannot help but wonder if it is due to this lack of balance is how I became attracted to someone who made it clear that I was nothing more than a time pass. Town and Country made it clear that some sex was great, but he was not going to be emotionally available to me. And I do give him props for being honest. He could have been a complete a-hole and led me on. Sure I feel that there was some mind game shtuff going on. He would have had to have been blind, deaf and dumb not to notice my attraction. I am so thankful that I knew I was nothing to him.
And what was he offering that I was so attracted to that I forsake others? Like Another Mate from Chicago. He was nice. Really nice. Then there was Dr. Froggy – though he kinda sucked since he was unable to show any emotion when Dad was in the hospital those first few days of Guillain-Barré syndrome. And if I was into men for money, I would have married Dr. Froggy.
So I am sitting here, cross-legged on the floor, dipping my salmon avocado roll into soy sauce, thinking that getting married and meeting a man is not my problem, in that is it not the core issue. That it is just a symptom of something greater that is inherently wrong with me. Is Town and Country attractive because he is Indian? And represents all things Indian that I think I want – successful, well educated, smart, Hindu, funny. It helps that I find him wildly attractive. But am I searching and trying to be a good little Indian girl, which includes marrying a “good” Indian boy, a big house in the suburbs, 2.5 kids, a dog I barely like walking?
I just don’t know that I want any of that. I don’t like grass; I have learned to live in small spaces that I think I would lose my mind in 2,000+ square feet. When I visit my parents I can never find my phone and I love living in the City. I don’t like pets. I don’t know that I want kids. So maybe I don’t want the life associated with “a good little Indian girl”. Maybe that is the problem. Maybe I don’t want what I think I am supposed to want. Maybe this is why I pick guys that I go no where with. Because I am not meant to go anywhere with them.