Tuesday, January 17, 2012


Siobhan once said to me, that if I wanted to be married, I would be. And that the reason I am not married is because somewhere deep inside or subconsciously I don’t want to be married. This is what I am thinking and re-thinking as I pay the sushi delivery man and try to determine how I came to be attracted to Town and Country.

I mean I am a realist. I live in the real world. I live in real time. I don’t have false illusions about myself. I am shy of 5’-3”, this is why I fluff my hair and am a slave to high heels, despite the havoc they create for my feet. I know loyalty is my best and worst quality. I know that I love openly, and expect nothing in return. There is a dark side to this blind love and adoration. Because I have a REALLY long fuse, and I tolerate a lot of nonsense in relationships when I care about someone, things that the average person would not, but when I hit the no point of return, then I have no issue in cutting someone loose. And when I hit that point, I know I can be ugly and say things that cut. And I mean for my words to cut. Balance is something I have yet to learn. I gain and lose the same 10 pounds annually.

So I cannot help but wonder if it is due to this lack of balance is how I became attracted to someone who made it clear that I was nothing more than a time pass. Town and Country made it clear that some sex was great, but he was not going to be emotionally available to me. And I do give him props for being honest. He could have been a complete a-hole and led me on. Sure I feel that there was some mind game shtuff going on. He would have had to have been blind, deaf and dumb not to notice my attraction. I am so thankful that I knew I was nothing to him.

And what was he offering that I was so attracted to that I forsake others? Like Another Mate from Chicago. He was nice. Really nice. Then there was Dr. Froggy – though he kinda sucked since he was unable to show any emotion when Dad was in the hospital those first few days of Guillain-BarrĂ© syndrome. And if I was into men for money, I would have married Dr. Froggy.

So I am sitting here, cross-legged on the floor, dipping my salmon avocado roll into soy sauce, thinking that getting married and meeting a man is not my problem, in that is it not the core issue. That it is just a symptom of something greater that is inherently wrong with me. Is Town and Country attractive because he is Indian? And represents all things Indian that I think I want – successful, well educated, smart, Hindu, funny. It helps that I find him wildly attractive. But am I searching and trying to be a good little Indian girl, which includes marrying a “good” Indian boy, a big house in the suburbs, 2.5 kids, a dog I barely like walking? 

I just don’t know that I want any of that. I don’t like grass; I have learned to live in small spaces that I think I would lose my mind in 2,000+ square feet. When I visit my parents I can never find my phone and I love living in the City. I don’t like pets. I don’t know that I want kids. So maybe I don’t want the life associated with “a good little Indian girl”.  Maybe that is the problem. Maybe I don’t want what I think I am supposed to want. Maybe this is why I pick guys that I go no where with. Because I am not meant to go anywhere with them.


Firefly said...

As a fellow desi girl, I have really enjoyed reading your blog! Keep up the writing and adventur-ing :) I'm curious if you've ever been asked out through the blog, which I'd read about on the Date Me DC blog. Hope all is well. DG!

101 Bad Desi Dates said...

Dear Firefly -

LOL! No I have NOT been asked out. LOL! I have been chewed out and called A LOT of names - but I deleted those from the blog. Only bc they were so out of hand and making other readers upset!

I have been very slow in writing this year. I am trying to get my groove back.

More soon! So glad you like it!!!


Firefly said...

That's surprising -- your writing is so funny and snarky, but also insightful and contemplative. Good luck with this and your other writing projects!

I'm curious if you've read Marrying Anita, Anita Jain's book, which is about dating in NYC, arranged marriage, etc. Your writing style (and the subject matter) reminds me a bit of her NY Mag article a few yrs ago.

101 Bad Desi Dates said...

Dear Firefly -

Yes, well it is true! Got some heat, but ya know, not everyone is going to love what I say. I dont expect them too - they just dont need to be mean and nasty!

I did read that book. I never read the article. I shd look that up. I give her a lot of props for moving to India - that could not be easy!