16. VIVA LA VEGAS

While my profile undergoes the 24 hour mandatory review, I worry. Are there more ODDBs (old dirty desi bastards) like Elvis lurking in cyber space?

When I first spoke to Elvis a few years ago he gave me seven ways to contact him: mobile, landline, office, 1-800, email work, email home, and im. I was the opposite of techie so this overwhelmed me. As we conversed I learned he played racquetball and built his company from the ground up, which I admired. I came from a long line of determined and steely self-made men. I knew they could be intense --- but success required risk. And I liked that Elvis and I were from the same caste. While I was an equal opportunity desi dater, there was a part of me that appreciated sharing being Punjabi.

I requested a photo several times. And each time Elvis had an excuse “my laptop is at work”, “I am not in the office tomorrow”, “I don’t have photos on this computer”. Because our conversations were amazing I let it go. Yet, I was DYING to put a face to the voice.

Eight days later, photos arrived. EXCITEMENT. Download. Click. Open. DISAPPOINTMENT.

To call him unattractive was an UNDERSTATEMENT. His face was squashy, greasy, with a fuggly nose. He didn’t look fit enough to play racquetball. And my attraction evaporated. He sensed it and stopped calling.

The weird thing was I missed him after his calls stopped. I regretted being judgmental. And just when I stopped thinking about him he sent me an e-Valentine. Delirious, I emailed him and we returned to our routine. This time I learned he liked martinis, had 100+ shirts and believed sandals were for women.

Then he suggested we meet in a neutral place. I was in Minneapolis and he in DC so I suggested Memphis, Chicago. Elvis suggested Vegas. Fiddle faddle. I wasn’t a fan of all-you-can-eat-buffets or gambling. But I didn’t want to appear negative and said I’d be up for seeing the Hoover Dam, but what else would we do in the middle of February. Elvis responded with: see the sights (it’s the desert), play the slots (boring) and have sex (okay, now I’m scared)!

We stopped speaking after that. Any man who gets on a matrimonial site and suggests sex in Vegas needs to sign up for remedial dating classes ASAP!!!