Saturday, January 23, 2010

17. LONG DUCK DONG

The other ODDB I had the misfortune to “meet” was Long Duck Dong, 38 years old, 5’-8", Punjabi and in finance (along with engineering and medicine these are the professions Indians gravitate towards). When I accepted his correspondence invitation I requested a photo, which seemed to offend him as he wrote, “After your review, contact me if you like.”

Once on the phone I had to crank the volume and strained to hear Long Duck Dong, the soft talker, dominate the conversation with his partner requirements: intelligent, without being overt; communicate physical and emotional needs, without being needy or playing games; attractive, but shouldn’t show it; and have her own interests. He should get a dog. It would be easier to train than an educated Indian woman with self-respect.

Because I wanted to participate in the conversation I asked about his family, which seemed to annoy him. But he relented and shared he was the youngest of three and both of his siblings were ready to settle down with non-Indian partners. His tone implied he was doing me the favor for selecting me, an Indian mate. He ended the call by instructing me to consider my interest and get back to him. I hung up incensed. I had every right to ask about his family. An Indian woman didn’t marry only the man. She married the entire Motley Crew, from the uncle with the lazy eye, to the mother who bribes the phone company for free international calls.

Two days later while I was debating my interest, Long Duck Dong called. In this round he retold his experience with Indian women born in the US, i.e. ABCDs (American-Born-Confused Desis as we are labeled by Indian-born-Indians). Evidently ALL US BORN DESI WOMEN were bitter, hated their fathers and resented being Indian. This DID NOT describe me. And if he felt this way why was he calling?

Perhaps aliens stole my mind and replaced it with chutney, because I called him back. Unlike previous calls, I controlled this one with an unabridged story of me. I was not tolerating someone who belittled and demeaned me. I hung up confident he would not call back. He struck me as too insecure to be challenged by an ABCD with opinions and the belief she was his equal.

Wrong. When he called back he was coy and flirty, telling me, “I know what you’re about.” His arrogance was maddening. So I said, “In three phone calls you don’t know me.” “You’re compassionate,” he replied. “You have a flair for life and that passion comes through the conversations.” Hhmm …

Then Long Duck Dong ruined the moment by asking, “What is your best feature?” I responded, “I have great hair and excellent teeth.” “What else?” he asked, “What is your best body feature?” I didn’t like how the conversation was going so I said I was curvy, which he knew from my photos. He said, “I am well-endowed. My penis is eight inches long by three inches wide.” Holy crap, he could impale a woman with that thing. He continued, “I like to grab tightly onto a woman’s butt when ..."

Okaaaaay … just because Indians invented the Kama Sutra doesn’t mean he has to share his bedroom behavior. Is it possible that Indian men raised in India don’t know about dating etiquette? Perhaps I should start teaching classes.

6 comments:

April said...

He did NOT engage you in phone sex on the third call! The nerve!!!! I hope he doesn't stalk you.

101 Bad Desi Dates said...

Oohhh ... he did. And what is sad, he is not the worst of the dates, just you wait.

Frank said...

Omg...long duck...cracked me up just with the name but then just about wound in the corner here in the fetal position when i read all the details. people are...well...weird. Floss boy looks looks better by the minute.....

101 Bad Desi Dates said...

Dear Frank, thank you for your note. I do have to admit, he was one of the stranger ones. In retrospect it is funny. He makes A LOT of people look "not so bad" :)

Travel Bug said...

You gotta be kidding me..He ain't looking for a mates sista.
What a perv? You should ask him if he includes his family jewel description in his resume.
Sad thing is..there is a woman out there for a sicko like him.

101 Bad Desi Dates said...

Dear Travel Bug -

Well - we really dont know if that is true about the family jewel. I didn't stick around long enough to find out! :)

But yes - I am sure there is some woman out there for him - to this day I don't understand what he was doing on the desi matrimonial site contacting and corresponding if he didn't like ABCDs - bc we are out there!

xo,
Desi Girl