326. HOPE HE DIDN'T HAVE A STROKE

It takes another day to pull myself out of my own blackness. It is not that I think my friends don’t care. It’s just that, I cannot seem to process what is happening and what impact and implications it has for us (my family). We all work in a company whose founder is literally immobile. I am sure this is kicking Dad’s spirits, too. Mom spends all day cooking Dad’s dinner, to spend all night tossing and turning on a hospital cot. I am worried about how his health will take a toll on hers. My brother and I aren’t really up for talking. And Minnesota is freaking cold this weeK.

When I finally have the bandwidth to process what is going on with Dad, I call Siobhan. “Hiiiii! What are you doing in that cold state, come home!” she gushes. I think I am stronger than I credit myself, because it is not until I hear her voice, a reminder of the life I now live, not the one I used to have here, do I finally crack and break down. In a panic between gasps of air I blurt out what has happened over the past few days. When I finish speaking and crying I hear Siobhan sigh so deeply that I realize I have bottled so much in for too long. Clearly, I don’t NEED a boyfriend, I need to let go and fall apart. I need to just let time find THE ONE. Bangalore Cousin once told me to stop being strong and let people in, let people help, let people care. So I do.

"Ugh, you are dealing with all that?" Siobhan asks.I sigh. "You need to come home, I am worried you are going to become really depressed, especially since we're all here in New York and can't be there for you. But look, Minnesota is known for good health care. I know he'll be fine."

A little while later I text Dr. Froggy and let him know that Dad's not well. I share some details. He texts back. "I hope they checked for TIA - hope he didn't have a stroke." I have to read and re-read the text a few times, debating if he was trying to be helpful, optimistic or is unable to emote. Ugh, I mean really? You are sort of dating someone, a someone you have introduced to your parents and all you can come up with up is, "Hope he didn't have a stroke." Well - yea, me too!