Tuesday, July 19, 2011


I am dashing along the street to meet Meera, her mother and Rohit for dinner. I am leaving for Minnesota on Saturday and Meera’s due date is coming up. I am rather hoping this kid makes his appearance before I leave, I’d like to meet my nephew before I go, but he seems rather content where he is.

Once inside the restaurant I find them seated at their table. “Hello Auntie, Meera, Rohit,” I say and sit down after the requisite hugs. I glance at Meera for a moment and think she looks about the same as when I saw her over the weekend. I am no expert at kids – clearly I don’t have any kids and I'm not a obgyn doctor – but I have friends who have sons and they all say boys drop, and nothing about Meera looks to be dropping.

This isn’t the first time I have wondered if they are having boy. While I was throwing Meera's bluest baby shower know to man, woman and child – it felt off. All the blue – it didn’t seem right. But I didn’t say anything. It is no secret that I have a GINORMOUS preference for little girls. Not that I don’t like little boys. They are equally sweet and kissable. But I cannot go all turbo-pink on boys like I can on girls. And the dresses and the little shoes and the little handbags and the hairclips and the princess costumes and the little girl manicures at Dashing Diva nail salon. Sigh.

“So how do you feel? Because you look great!" I ask Meera and dip bread into olive oil.  “I am uncomfortable. And ready,” she says. “Well I am ready too,” Auntie says. “And this baby better come while I am here. No being late,” she scolds lightly and sweetly. It is very cute.

“How is your dad doing?” Auntie asks. “He’s okay. He’s been home for about four months and they’ve handicapped the house. He has a long way to go – but he slowly gains strength. Mom says there are care givers coming to the house to PT and OT each. Thank GOD, they live in a blue state and have excellent insurance," I say.“I cannot even imagine what your mother is going through,” Auntie says.

I nod, but say nothing. My mother is truly amazing. This woman camped out at the hospital for two and a half months. She was exhausted, tired, but everyday she made Dad dinner and tea because he did not like the hospital food. It is so simple to say that women of Mom’s generation are just made this way – self-sacrificing, loving and dutiful. 

Sometimes I don’t think I am made of the same fiber and character as my mother. She is Sita in every shape, fashion and manner. Look at me - I am annoyed with a guy who called me eight times. I get sad when they don't call, I get mad when they do call. And why am I not flattered that someone wants to see me? 

Maybe at some point a person becomes unmarriable – maybe this is my point and now there is no hope for me.


Anonymous said...

"Maybe at some point a person becomes unmarriable – maybe this is my point and now there is no hope for me." :( 1000s of years of culture and society tells you no one has come up with a better answer than marriage. I do not want it to sound like an obligation but dear Desi Girl, who is it you're after in life? Frankly my feeling is that you have a perfectionist streak when people actually grow into these things over time. I do not know why you strike out but there are so many unmarried Hindu guys out there looking for a wife too. Please give us hope by keeping the faith. I'm a bit depressed that Hindu girls can feel lowly about their chances sometimes especially someone as in touch with their roots as you.

jnkparmar said...

This is just a thought... arranged marriage is a very strange concept for me to grasp. Growing up in the US and always gushing about finding 'the one' and the romance that goes along with it. But, there are so many cases in my life now, married to an Indian, that arranged marriages have been successful. They are all young, vibrant, happy couples just like Jayesh and I who found each other and them brought together by two loving families along with the science of astrology. Still a thought that is tough for me to completely understand, but have you ever given thought to it?

101 Bad Desi Dates said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
101 Bad Desi Dates said...

Dear JNKParmar -

Hhhmm, I have thought about, but not seriously. Do you recommend it?

Desi Girl

101 Bad Desi Dates said...

Dear Anonymous -

Well - I am not always Debbie Downer - what would the desi version be ... Daya Downer ... and sometimes I the problem is / was me. I felt there was this expectation to bring brown home.

I think some of the striking out was due to being attracted to the wrong guys. And desi guys. I dont think all desis are meant to marry desis.

And I am a perfectionist and I had this ideal idea. I think my ideal idea was not meant to be - and I had to realize it and make my new ideal idea. But I am also a conflicted hall monitor - consumed with doing the right thing - even though every now and then I want to be bad. And sometimes I want to flip the world the bird.

So I think - Desi Girl needs to have the sense knocked into her to finally get real with herself. And the sense knocking is coming!!!!

Desi Girl

jnkparmar said...

Not saying that I 'recommend' it... but maybe you could give it some thought. Have your family meet with some eligible bachelors, have a few dates, and see if you get lucky! If you aren't feeling it, you can always turn him down. No harm.

DhakDhakGirl said...

Desi Girl, meet the Desi Girl's Guide to Relationship Survival. http://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/all-about-relationships/ask-before-marrying/

I guess I have a very different attitude than anon. When she/he says,"1000s of years of culture and society tells you no one has come up with a better answer than marriage" I read, "1000s of years of patriarchy have told women that they should get married and to a man of the same/faith/race/caste/etc" This could easily be what you want for yourself as well, but it's worth examining why you want to marry. If you can't find someone marriageable, then what's the appeal? (Not a rhetorical question; I genuinely want to hear your thoughts)

Rejecting men because they call 8 times a day is smart.

In any case, the Desi Girl's Guide has some thought-provoking essays about desi family dynamics. Though I think it's largely about desis in the Des.

101 Bad Desi Dates said...

Dear DhakDhak Girl-

I will def look at the link - thanks for sharing. As soon as I can get 5 mins for myself :)

You raise and an interesting point with your comment about patriarchy. I have some issues with Hinduism. I elude to them in the blog - but yes - you are right. It is "okay" for a guy to remarry but a daughter has to wear a red D for divorce on her head. When the desi guys marry non desi girls the aunties look the other way - when desi girls decide they deserve more than freak and flashers the aunties make faces. And I dont think you can cast it aside as simply a double standard.

I mean yes - I wanted to marry desi. And frankly I wanted to marry a Punju, born and raised in India, educated in the US. And it is too long and complicated to post in this response - I will have to write in more detail this weekend and add another post to this thread - but in time I have changed. I used to love going to India and spending time with my relatives - but some of my relatives are such a**holes that I dont want to or need to see them. They cannot be bothered with me - so why I am trying so hard to live in their box?

And I do know a few nice desi guys - would I date them - I dont think so - but is nothing to do with them being desi. I just dont know about wanting to date them.

I guess I do feel - that there is someone out there for me. It will happen. It just takes time to figure it out.

More soon!

Desi Girl