Sunday, September 18, 2011


“Can’t you hear that?” Town and Country asks as we stand in the middle of an empty room. I think it used to be a bedroom. Or maybe this used to be the library. With the house under renovation - it is hard to tell what used to be where. "Be more specific. It’s New York. I hear lots of things,” I reply. “The television,” he says.

“Are you high? Or do you hear high pitched things like canines?" I ask. He laughs. “Next door – the neighbors…I had to stop using this room because I couldn’t stand the noise,” he explains. I shake my head. “You don’t hear that?” he demands, somewhat amused, somewhat surprised. “Nope. Then again – my brother accuses me of being deaf, select hearing type of thing,” I joke. But really - it is somewhat true. Desi Brother says I have selective hearing and selective memory when it comes to “our discussions” – especially when I may be in err. Tee hee hee. And my mother and aunt have hearing issues, so I am pretty sure I will endure a reduction in hearing when I am their age.

“However, there is nothing wrong with my eyesight. I can spot a spider three miles away,” I reply. “I’ll bet,” he replies. “Come here, press your ear against this wall. Tell me you cannot hear that,” he insists and pulls me towards him and up against the wall. We face each other, me with my right ear to the wall, him with his left ear. He has very brown eyes. He nods his face and whispers, “Do you hear it?” he asks. “No,” I whisper back. He shakes his head and makes a face. So I listen harder and still hear nothing. And shake my head and step away from the wall.

“I can’t believe you can’t hear that,” he says and we leave the room. “Hearing is not my forte, I guess,” I reply. “Well – I don’t want to listen to that – so I had the contractor rip open the wall in the other room. I think we have an inch to work with for soundproofing. Come, let's take a look," he says. “Great, and is that inch firm? Did you or the contractor measure it?” I ask. “No, I eyeballed it,” he says. “What?” I demand and stop walking. He keeps walking and when he realizes I am not following, he stops and looks back at me. “What, what?” he asks.

“Eyeballed it? I am sure your eyeballs are lovely, but we are going to need a tape measure, camera and some paper. Luckily I have all of them in my bag,” I reply. He shrugs, I walk past him and into the adjacent room. I find the hole in the wall and bend down to review. Hhhmm. It is close to an inch. I open my bag and take out the tape measure.

“Well?” he asks. “Not an inch,” I reply and think about what options we have. He keeps talking, I take some notes and at some point I stop talking, thinking, and listening. I suddenly have to get out of here. I am enjoying this, working on his house, spending time with him. This is fine – except, I am panicking, I start to feel those smooshy, mooshy feelings for him. It is bad enough that I find him attractive. It is worse since he is a client.

Right now – I don’t care about this wall. I have to get out his house. Now.


VIC SEMBI said...

I just read your recent blog. Can you calm the hell down and keep your emotions in check, it seems that things are going along nicely and it seems that you are on the course of fucking this one up.

Little hint breath through your nose and then breath out of your nose again that will help you to focus.

Its good that you are standing your ground with this guy and not agreeing him at the end of the day you are the expert in these matters and not him. I got your response, listen it doesn't matter if he has a few gals on the go, most guys do that (including myself) because of the following, a bit of variety, we get bored easily and also most importantly keeps us from getting emotionally attached (VERY IMPORTANT). However if I came across a gal who could stand shoulder to shoulder next to me then I would easily let those gals fall on the way side.

T and C, seems like an emotionally secure guy, so these type of guys are not looking for a mummy, or someone to massage there ego, or to laugh at there silly jokes (I should know cause I'm at that stage in my life).

it seems that you need to use this project of yours to dig into him a bit more.

I tend to find with most gals that they are crap at having a conversation with a guy. Its all about connection, you need to connect with him on an emotion level.

Stay away from cliche or witty or sarcastic comments. Step up to him in a sincere manner, ask about his child hood, find out what it took for this guy to become the man he is today.

find out what drives him, at the end of the day money is never really a motivator even though people say it is, what keeps this guy going.

Right now he wants you because of this construction project however for him to need you, you must start a little emotional project (with his emotions)

You need to strip this guy down emotionally like an onion layer by layer to get to him.

British Born Amused Desi

Vic Sembi

VIC SEMBI said...

however I was thinking it seems that if he can hear noises and you cant he might be a bit crazy (joke) it seems like he is building some kind of giant cocoon, i.e. generator, sound proof walls. (you sure he not building some kind of Bio-Sphere)

its like he wants to be independent and cut off from the out side world. he wants to be safe i.e. 8 extinguishers.

Something must have happened to him as a kid growing up.

hes very hyper sensitive to distraction.

I guess if he feels safe with you, you might have a chance. Also if he knows that you carry a flash light and a Swiss army knife, oh yeah and the inchie tap then he is in safe hands.

Anonymous said...

Hey Desi Girl,

I have missed reading your blog over the last few days

Take care

Milly xx

Adventurous Ammena said...

hmm.. Im wondering whether Vic Sembi has been reading your blog through more than this lastest post on T&C.. emotionally secure?? WTH!!

Anyways.. I think you need to sit down with him (T&C not Vic Sembi!) and ask him where this is going. If this is purely a professional relationship, let him know how hard it is for you. If thats what he wants keep contact to an absolute minimum.... dont wanna see you get hurt AGAIN!!

Stay strong

VIC SEMBI said...

no, don't ask him straight up. You have been doing that in the past with guys and it doesn't really work.

It doesn't work to be honest, especially with desi guys.

its up to you, but if you put any guy on the spot to commit they will usually back out. Especially guys who are older and successful.

you have to be in a relationship of some sort to even ask that kind of question. One minute you are advising him on sound proofing his walls and the next you are asking him on "where is this going".

Sorry it doesnt work like that Ammena, What you just "Sit down" and have a chat, you might as well pass the guy a note and say please check the following, Yes, No, Maybe.

Desi's are pretty bad at dating that's why they have there parents still playing the match making role.

I think you need to start flirting with him, gently. The odd hand on his shoulder, the little compliment here or there.

you got make him feel comfortable not give him a bloody ultimatum.

Also FYI it takes some kind of emotionally security (esp when they come from a humble back ground) to be successful, the guy isn't a complete emotional wreck. he just needs abit steering in the right direction.

rahul b said...

I find the game playing and double-guessing very tiresome, one of the worst aspects of "Western" dating, it's just an exercise in mutual entertainment, nothing serious can come off it. I think (a lack of) certitude, willingness to work on it and (a lack of) honesty is why most dates fail... To me, Vic sounds boorish, but I'm not a Punjabi so I don't know if that's how you lot behave.

(Indian Born guy here)

101 Bad Desi Dates said...

Dear Vic Sembi -

You are correct - and not the first person to tell me to chill the hell out. Agreed breathing is good.

And I agree with you that having 4 girls for all the reasons you detail, but esp fr the ability to detach is important. I guess we need to see if I am worth making a change, esp since we agree that he has to WANT something because God knows he does not NEED a relationship.

You make very good points of not needing to be coddled by a mummy or a yes woman - luckily I dont default to either of those types. But sometimes I wonder if confidence and independence are not so great either.

Agreed - onion.

Desi Girl

101 Bad Desi Dates said...

Dear Vic Sembi -

LOL - I wondered that too - he can hear noises, is looking for a generator and can put out a fire w/o the help of the FDNY, what next?!

I have a flashlight, but it needs batteries and inchie tape - never stops cracking me up!

Desi Girl

101 Bad Desi Dates said...

Dear Milly -

Apologies for the delay - I have taken on more than I can handle in life :) - oh well - but alas ... I am back sister!!! Back!

Desi Girl

101 Bad Desi Dates said...

Dear Adventurous Ammena -

I can report that I am able to stay strong. That has not eluded me yet.

It is funny - I was going to say that being honest has gotten me on the first bus back to single days, and Vic pointed that out too - but I understand your point.

I just wish when he said things like "you are important to me" - I knew which way to read it. And I guess more than that I wish I didn't overthink what it meant! Thanks for your support and love!

Desi Girl

101 Bad Desi Dates said...

Dear Vic Sembi -

Understand your comment to Ammena. I think this discourse is (a) great and honest and (b) the diff between men and women!

Love it - thanks to you both for your comments!

More soon.
Desi Girl

101 Bad Desi Dates said...

Dear Rahul B-

Whether game playing is good or bad, that I guess is in the eye of the beholder. I agree, I find it exhausting, which is what I have told Meera 1,000 times, and Rohit agrees. But in the same token - it is the way it is in the West. Maybe not 100% - but an accepted dating norm.

I dont know Vic well enough to call him boorish - we don't know anything other what he writes. I mean no one reading this blog really knows me either (other than Desi Brother and Meera perhaps). But you are more than welcome to disagree with him :)

And well I dont think that we lot of Punjus behave "like that" :) - but I can agree that we wear really bright clothes, too much bling and shake the house down with some DJ Punjabi :) and chicken tikka masala!

Desi Girl