Thursday, January 19, 2012


This is painful. Really painful.

One of my resolutions was meet a nice (desi) man. But I am back on the desi matrimonial site, trolling through profile after profile. And it is one endless blur of brown faces, some with hair, some without, brown eyes, architect, banker, dentist, doctor, engineer, lawyer, height, weight, this, that. None of them. Not a single one of them seems or feels right. I don’t feel any interest or attraction to anyone. How is this possible? Is feeling dead inside normal? What the HELL am I mourning anyway? That wasn’t a relationship.UGH. I make stupid choices.

I get up from my desk and go into the fridge and find some yogurt. I peel back the top and drive my spoon into the pale pink calcium snack. My preferred snack is of course sour cream and onion potato chips, however in the New Year; I am trying to stay as far away from them as possible. I am also trying to eat healthy before naughty/bad. So I tell myself before I can eat chips, I must have 1-2 servings of dairy, and at least 2 servings of fruit and one veggie. Only then can I have something sinful. This is a philosophy I should have applied to dating.

I stand by the window that I have wide open to combat the relentless heat that bursts out of the radiator. I find it ludicrous that in the middle of winter I am wearing boxer shorts and a tank top, yet still sweating inside my apartment. It has to be over 80 degrees Fahrenheit in here! I have called the super twice to tell him how hot it is. He says he cannot it turn down because people on the first floor complain. Well – I know he is full of shit because I know three out of four on the first floor and they are as hot as I am. Every now and I then I consider calling 311 about the inhumane heat.

I finish my yogurt, toss the container in the garbage and go back to the computer. I log out of the desi site and type into my browser; and let my finger linger over the search button. Is desi love REALLY my destiny? Or is it expected of me that I believe it is my destiny.

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