Thursday morning I return from Starbucks, petrified and excited for my date. While my wit has kept him enticed for days, what if he finds me physically unattractive. As a result I feel enormous pressure to be so fabulous that he has no choice but to marry me and end this exhausting dating phase of my life.
Unfortunately for me, one of two situations arise when I happen upon someone I find desirable. Either I try too hard, or I ignore my interest like he has Ebola and act like his dull friend is the most FASCINATING man EVER! I have also found that when I am aloof with men, they want me more than a sports car. This becomes disastrous because the aloofly man treated increases his persistence, breaks me down, dates the hell of out me, makes me fall in love with him, and then dumps me. Citing his eternal love for his fiancée who died eight years ago. Not wanting to focus on the unfixable past, I decide to email Town and Country.
DESI GIRL: How do you feel about deception? While it looks sunny and warm outside, it is colder than sin! I'll have to don my down parka this evening!
TOWN AND COUNTRY: I was out at 6:00 am and know. What else are you wearing tonight? (After my ODDB run-ins (Posts 17 & 16), I’m worried his clothing comment is pervy. From his photo, Town and Country doesn’t look like an S&M freak. But who knew Ted Bundy was a serial killer until it was too late).
ME: Undecided. What are you wearing? (This is an UNABASHED lie. As soon as we confirmed the date I knew I’d wear my last supper with Reindeer outfit --- black pants, white tank top, pale green cashmere sweater and tall boots. I know I look stunning in this dressy but casual outfit that subdues my personality. Meera would be SOOOO proud of me.)
TOWN AND COUNTRY: Hoping jeans, probably suit. Coming from a meeting. (He then name-drops and shares WAY too much private information about the meeting financials. I hope he’s not insecure, I am ready for him to be perfect Mr. Right!)
DESI GIRL: Cool to meeting casual or corporate you. Think your meeting will run late?
TOWN AND COUNTRY: If it does I will leave. I try to control evening meetings, letting them run late becomes a bad habit. You look like three different people in your pictures – wondering whom I will meet!
DESI GIRL: (Ah, so he again looked at my profile).
TOWN AND COUNTRY: How do you get downtown? Train?
DESI GIRL: Yes.
TOWN AND COUNTRY: Are you up for meeting at the house for a drink instead? (This is when EVERYTHING comes to a grinding metal-on-metal train wreck halt. If I say, no, I sound like a prude, which I am. But more than that, I’d have to be two French fries short of a happy meal to meet Internet Man at his house. Serial rapist or kidnapper anyone? Maybe men don’t think about safety the way women do. And this has me wondering if something in my profile says “whore”. Since I am paralyzed in the molasses of my thoughts, I email Rohit, Meera and Ainsley Ayers for advice).
DESI GIRL: Rohit, Meera and Ainsley: PROBLEM!!! (Who doesn’t love an email with PROBLEM!!! in the subject line). Was supposed to meet my date at a bar. Now he has invited me to his house. What to do? Must get back to bar! HELP!!!
Within 30 seconds Ainsley calls. “Did you get my email?” I gasp. “Uhm, yea, and hi, you absolutely CANNOT go to his place. What if he kills you?” Ainsley demands. “Well that and rape are my top two concerns too,” I reply and continue. “So I must elegantly save face.” “What have your conversations been like?” Ainsley asks. “Well we’ve never spoken, just emailed.” Ainsley sighs in relief, “Even better. You are hilarious so write something funny…Oh and send me his phone number, email and photo…just in case you go missing and I have to lead the search to find you. And call me when you get home! No matter how late!” I agree and we hang up. Maybe this seems a little crazed-estrogen-induced hysteria. But this is New York where people steal cabs right in front of you and you never unexpectedly open the door even if they claim to be from Con Ed, Fresh Direct or UPS. That is how nice girls from the Midwest end up desi dead in dumpsters.
Five seconds later ROHIT emails: Talked to my co-worker Kelly. We both say neutral place. I know Meera will agree. (Excellent, all members of urban family agree).
Just then inspiration jolts through me and I feel potent enough to run for President. I EMAIL: Are you sure you should invite me over? What if I steal the paintings from the walls? I think we should meet in a public place to assess. Thoughts?
TOWN AND COUNTRY: Well, you’re not Sindhi, but you make a good point. (I am sure I have mentioned this before, but each Indian state has a stereotype associated with them. Punjabis are fierce, loud, drunk, carnivorous partiers who drown themselves in blinding bling. Whereas Sindhis, Gujuratis and a few others are notoriously shrewd). Looking forward to seeing you tonight!